only a few more days....

i have a headache and i want to go to bed. is that too much to ask?? seems like it.


Hey your glass is empty/it's a hell of a long way home/why don't you let me take you/it's no good to go alone/I never would have opened up/but you seemed so real to me/and after all the bullshit I've heard/it's refreshing not to see/that I don't have to pretend/she doesn't expect it from me//So Don't tell me I haven't been good to you/don't tell me I have never been there for you/and just tell me why/nothing is good enough//Hey little girl would you like some candy/your momma said that it's OK/The door is open come on outside/no I can't come out today/it's not the wind that cracked your shoulder/and threw you to the ground/who's there that makes you so afraid/you're shaken to the bone/and no I don't understand/you deserve so much more than this//So don't tell me why/he's never been good to you/don't tell me why/he's never been there for you/don't you know that why/is simply not good enough/so just let me try/and I will be good to you/just let me try/and I will /be there for you/I'll show you why/you're so much more than good enough...



night all . . .

thristy just feels like the right word, emotion, if you will, for what i'm feeling. ok blah, it's the end of the semester and we all can't wait to break out of our cells they call rooms but i just can't wait for the day i start living. ok, ok, this is life. getting up in the morning to do mostly meaningless work that you won't use or going to sit in a class you aren't interested in and talking to a lot of people that you know you will never talk to again [or hope not to]. that doesn't seem like life to me. getting married, doing what makes you happy, having a family, a life, a home. isn't that what they [whomever they may be] have been preparing us, molding us for, our entire lives??? sometimes i don't know what the point is. education (ya and i'm sitting here hoping to one day teach!) but i want to teach to people who want to be where they are. major classes in college or a techinical or magnet school, teaching television which is what i love....i don't know. if you aren't happy, what's the point? cause then you aren't living, you are being, but you aren't living. ...


ok, friggin long ridiculous rant, i know....


got to get away from here.../got to get away from all these thinkers.../drinking up my thoughts again/got to get away from here.../got to get awa from all these choosers, losers.../all of my best friends//sit back New York City/you're not cute but you're oh so pretty/when the rain comes you fall up again.../SUNNY...you are a part of me/SUNNY...you are the heart of me//got to get away from here.../got to get away from all these people who need people.../you know it really makes me sick/got to get away from here.../got to get away from expectations, recreations, just for the sake of it//sit back New York City/you're not cute but you're oh so pretty/when the rain comes you fall up again.../SUNNY...you are a part of me/SUNNY...you are the heart of me//sit back New York City/you're not cute but you're oh so pretty/when the rain comes you fall up again...//sit back New York City friend.../got to get away from here.../got to get away from what i'm thinking.../i'm thinking.../it's too much for anyone.../got to get away from here.../got to get away from what you're drinking.../you're drinking.../so i'll take another one...

-five for fighting::nyc weather report-



ok, peace out.

-kat-ja-

gobble gobble gobble

"ballet is not rocket science. it is much more complicated." -lance westergard


definately the best quote i heard today. its fannnntastic.


turkey days was good. all of them. and i am still eating turkey, even though none of the thanksgiving feasts i went to were at my house and even though i'm still not in the state that the turkeys were served in . . .

ok so this is the most mest episode of family guy ever, if that is possible. they go to a synagouge where ben stein is the rabbi, and william shatner is papa in fiddler on the roof....lol, and peter believes that if chris converts to judaism, he will become smart. lol, its great.


so ya. back to the grind for...what now? eight more days. i cant wait to be home, but its a smaller break than i'm used to which sucks. its more than a few days which is good. oh well. i love being home, no matter how long. i can't wait.



ok peace out. i'm exhausted.


love you mung. miss you. in case you couldnt tell . . . blanket larva.


nighty night night.


kerrrrrrrrrrrrr

tv edition of SCENE IT

dont ask about the title, because i'm not completely sure myself. its the closest thing to my comp right now. and i didn't know if HOT ASS DATE WITH ALEXIS GIANNOPOULOS was entirely appropritate ;)


rache's play is tonight! yay!! i'm verturning with the chicas to see it and its going to be loads of fun! first, ad, lex, and i are going to k-dubbs (kate and willies) for a fancy dinner, and then heading over to the west end to see my darling rachel and meet up with teri (and i'm guessing adam, too). afterwards, we will get -----! yay! its been a while since i've ----- at school. its ok. i'm thinking that we might play some scene it tonight, cause it knicks ass when your -----. i like the tv edition even better than the movie edition, because of the new features, but they both kick. lol, me and my silly obsession with board games, lol.

for ballet today, instead of me teaching which normally happens when lance doesn't feel like it or wants to do something else besides being in class (lol) we saw the beijing opera. which was weird and interesting. they talked all about pantomine, so i know he is going to relate it to ballets, which is good becuase the stupid guy was talking about it like it was the only art form to ever use pantomine. but i do believe, and feel free to agree with me here, fellow dancers, that ballet also uses pantomine. a lot of the party scene in the nutcracker is pantomine, just for one example. ooooo weeelllll.


i can't wait to finish my piece and i really, really hope i get to do it for the next show! that would be soooo amazing. perhaps even if i dont get to do it in the show, some people will want to work on it with me for MoVoM and perform it in the fall. we'll have to see how this process works. f*&%. i just realized that i have to be at a film shoot and audition for the faculty show the same day. man.....i'll have to talk to amzee....



do you like the map of my thought process here? right.

the tap choreography is coming out cool. (lol allison and lindsey) you'd have to see it and hear it to believe it. lol....


anyway, i'm so glad that my foot loves me again and is allowing me to dance much more. i hope that i can only dance more and more and never less! teaching has been uber fun this semester, and i'm hoping to get paid at least a bit for the spring semester.

time to meet the girls for our romantic dinner.


don't be a stranger . . .


kat-ja

FINALLY

sorry i haven't written in forever. but it hasnt let me log on the server. so i should be able to write more often now.

things are going well. i just got RA of the month for my building which is super exciting. i got A's on the television practicals i have taken thus far. and thanksgiving is next week, so i'm excited about going home. i love being home ;)



it is getting harder and harder to be far away from munger. i know what i have to look forward to when i get out of college, and i am excited about starting that life. its weird, but at the same time, its so exciting and amazing. i love him so much. . . .


i have to go to class but i'll write more later ;)


-ker-

arggghhhh

yes, yes, just like a pirate would say ;)



"you know what really sucks? having a fire alarm go off in the building @ 3 am and its the fire alarm just laughing at us....." and yes, that is what my away message says today. i was thinking all day yesterday that we were due for another fire alarm....but why does it always have to be some stupid reason? it wasn't even a PERSON who did something dumb to set off the alarm...the frickin alarm set itself up....just laughing at us all...


so i'm rearranging my room and right now, the walls are mostly blank. shmeghan is gonna help me finish today. its gonna be a little bit of a process b/c we have to take my bed apart i think and put it back together. this involves getting the enterprise bin (a box attached to a dolly) and filling it up with all the stuff that is under my bed and putting it in the hallway. i moved the desk, the shelves, the fridge, and the closet all alone yesterday and realized it all wasn't going to fit how i want it to. blah.


stuff has been confusing lately and stressful, but everything is getting better, and slowly and surely, the person i've been worried about is getting better. :)


a little ode to my car pool buddies ~

Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep
This air is blessed, you share with me
This night is wild, so calm and dull
These hearts they race from self-control
Your legs are smooth as they graze mine
We're doing fine, we're doing nothing at all.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
to break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer
The words are hushed, let's not get busted,
Just lay entwined here undiscovered.
Safe in here from all the stupid questions..
hey did you get some?
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close
they can't hear, so we can get some.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me, so I die happy
My heart is yours, to fill or burst
To break or bury, or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer
Hands down, this is the best day I can ever remember
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
The dim of the soft lights, the scent of your hair
That you twirled in your fingers
And the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
And this walk that we shared together
The streets were wet and the gate was locked
So I jumped it, and let you in
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
And you kissed me like you meant it
And I knew that you meant it
That you meant it, that you meant it
And I knew that you meant it, that you meant it.

ya, you know who you are. . .

peace out cub scout.

kat-ja

dashboard

so i havent written in awhile, but i guess that i dont write often. so thats ok. the school year has kicked off and i'm homesick, as usual. its ok, though, because i'm used to being here and away from things at home and with things, that i love, at school. i got elected pre production supervisor for hfc. i love hfc and i would do anything for that club so i am super psyched about it. so i think this is going to be a good year. hectic, but good. so this is just a quick hey and a song . . .

So quiet.
Another wasted night
The television steals the conversation.
Exhale.
Another wasted breath
again it goes unnoticed.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired,
cause if it's more than that I fear that I might break.
Out of touch. Out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed,
cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
Out of touch. Are we out of time?

Closed lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all its passion.
Your thrill
another time to slack
has left me feeling empty

Please tell me you're just feeling tired,
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break.
Out of touch. Out of time
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed,
cause I can't read your rolling eyes.
Out of touch. Are we out of time?

I'll wait until tomorrow.
Maybe you'll feel better then,
maybe we'll be better then.
So what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you?
This mood of yours is temporary.
It seems worth the wait to see you smile again.
Out of the corner of my eye
won't be the only way you're looking at me then.

So quiet.
Another wasted night
the television steals the conversation.
Exhale.
Another wasted breath
again it goes unnoticed.

~Dashboard Confessional~Again I Go Unnoticed~

katye

time for a nap

i am so dead tired, yo. its crazy. we've had check ins all day and i got one break, which is fine, i'm not complaining. i just am mad tired. i've had a couple people say they were gonna stop by tonight, so at least i'll have company while i'm on duty.


i'm sitting in the RA office right now and i can see all the people walking by. i have seen at least 25 couples, no joke. it's weird, because you know mung and i are together over the summer, but there are all these couples at school and they are together all the rest of the time, you know? all throughout the school year. it's hard to be away, but i definately like being here with my friends. i miss him a lot, as i'm sure you all are quite aware of. i wish i could have the best of both worlds . . .


there was something else i was going to say, but it completely slipped my mind.


i'm outtie.

kt

Residential Life Rocks ;)

So I am a RA on the Enterprise staff this year. I love my staff. We all get along really well and we just are so lucky because of that!! I'm so psyched to become a RA, and I can't wait for my residents to get here. It should be a good year. The only thing that's odd about it is living by myself. I'm so used to living with my wonderful room and suitemates (yah Shmeg, LaurLaur, and Kin!!) and having room to roam around and be in different rooms. Now my bathroom is down the hall, and I have all my stuff in this little room. It's actually bigger than I thought it would be. And it's really ok. I'm glad I have such amazing people on my staff, cause I think I wouldn't be as happy living alone if I wasn't surrounded by this amazing people. School starts next Tuesday, and well, I guess it's time. ;)

And now it's time for bed! Leave me a note. Can't wait to see all my huers! And you Rut Bums better come visit me!!!!!


--kkeerr--

i was reading old blogs, and i wanted to cry. i really don't know why. life is like riding a roller coaster blind folded - you never now when you are gonna hit an up or down (oo i like that one!!). ...


someone emailed me and told me that they wanted to talk to me and that i needed to read their blog and i would understand why. so i read the blog and shouldnt have read it at 3 in the morning because i got confused and thought it was about me (duh, thats why they wanted to talk to me). but of course, reading something important at three am is definately not the wise move. so anyway, i dont know if i was dissappointed or relieved when it hit me that it wasnt about me. i dont know.


that was really frickin vague. lol.











so yah. summer is good. busy. i'm going camping tomorrow, thats gonna be frickin awesome. i should go to bed now, though. i have to baby sit in the morning.



post comments. drop me a line. whatev.

-ker-

in the words of Holl "we're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave..."

of course, when Holl said it, it was always the middle of a Vermont winter ;) gotta love that girl.

i was thinking about high school today. we are were so excited to leave, and i couldn't go back, but we definately had more than our share of fun. school year or not, we knew what was up....

And it's not hard to fall...

sometimes, just a line from a song isn't enough . . .

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

thanks GREENER, ad, goose, rache, mkw, mariss, pokey...for listening to me. i appreciate your comments and guidance. mkw - talking to you cleanses my soul. although the chances of you reading this ever in either of our lifetimes is slim to none, i just wanted to say publicly, that you are a hero and you've been through so much and i have so much respect for you and admire you a lot. thanks for not hating me. ;) thanks to all above for the countless LONG emails, ims, phone convos, driving around with me while you were under the influence of drowsy allergy medicine, lunches (at the best pizza place in b-town, i'd say), letting me crash at your house and being so understanding...you guys are amazing friends, and i could never thank you enough.


so everything is ok. i want to keep trying, so i will. we'll just have to wait and see.




i love you mung. thank you. thank you. thank you....


thats it for me for today. pokey, come home and help me!! lol.

later kiddles-n-bits!!

--ker--

g***byes

so i'm totally psyched for summer, but this afternoon's g***bye is going to be the worst.
meg.

after two years of living together, after being 5 steps away at any given moment, iming each other across the room, going to the gym and then back to the room to pig out, cooking, playing games, watching tv (yay gilmore girls and 7th heaven and bachelor), crying about boys, bitching about...well, boys, and girls lol...all the things that we've done together. all the amazing time we've spent together...

meg, you are my best friend. and i love you. you're such an amazing person with amazing talent. you succeed at everything you want to do because you want it. anything you want bad enough, you get...thats from life to food to boys to shopping. you amaze me, mc, and i am so glad that we've had the past two years to get to know each other. (goodness i can't stop crying). you and your "schleppy" are really gonna be COMPLETELY happy together one day ;) i don't know how i'm ever gonna say g-bye....


all you hoof-straw-ers...i love you. and you all must know by now how much i love you. this semester has had a lot of tears for me, but you guys have been such great friends and helped me get thru everything. i truely love you all. and i'm sincerely glad to be coming back next fall. i don't know what i will ever do without you. keep in touch, everyone. you have my number, here's my email: pryncessktbear@aol.com

use it. and use it well....and use it often. hope everyone did well on their finals. and no matter what you are doing this summer, be it taking classes, working, interning, or being lazy at home (or a combination of all), i hope you have a blast doing it. life is short (summer is even shorter). i will miss you all very much. CALL ME and call me often. come visit; Vermont is fun ;)


i love you all!

je vous adore tous les jours. je vous penserai touts les temps, aussi. Vous me mangerez, et je sais que je vous mange aussi. bonne vacance

peacers


~katye~
(shylock)

Its Almost Over

i have two days (not even) left of my sophomore year. two YEARS left of college, of course, i have plans to go to grad school, so i'm not done with this education thing. but its cool to be half way done, half way out of long island, out of hofstra ;)


but along with that, i had to say g***bye to some friends last night. 2 were graduating, and 2 i have become better friends with than i would have thought i would. so that made me think....sometimes you are just so connected with a person. i was thinking about the people that really have a huge piece of my heart. my heart belongs to mjm, everyone knows that, and i hope it always will. but there have been people that have affected me so immensely that they will always have a piece of my heart. and i dont think all these people know it. for example, someone i was really good friends with from the time i was three until i was prolly about a sophomore/junior in high school and we've kind of just lost touch....i mean, he was one of my best friends and i will always cherish the friendship we had. and i dont even think he realizes how important our friendship was to me. i mean, there really are a handful of people who's being has moved me. and maybe not everyone who reads this will understand. and hopefully those people know who they are (I only said bye to 4 people yesterday, so you guys would know ;) ) it's like that saying that i'm about to murder: "people walk in and out of your life; but you will never be the same" one person in particular that i said bye to yesterday has really made a difference in my life at hofstra. whenever i really needed anybody, they were there. whenever something what wrong, they would listen and give me a hug. so thanks. you mean so much to me, and i'm gonna miss you when we are in opposite ends of the world ;)


hopefully, i'll get a chance to say bye to everyone else tonight. but i dont know if thats gonna happen or not. but i love you all, and i'll be seein ya in the fall ;)


have a great summer everyone.


RUT here i come ;) are you guys ready?? lol. here's to bumming around, trying to decide for hours what we are going to do but having fun doing it, renting movies, swimming, camping, BBQs, Taco Bell/Long John nights, ShOpPiNg, LAX nights (yay!! ok, we HAVE to do glow in the dark lax nite ALRIGHT????), 4th of july parties, driving & screaming, laughing and bitching....i just can't wait to be with the gang again! i miss you guys!! home!!!



peace...peas?


ker

so i've once again been sucking at bloglife. but its ok. no one reads this anyway, right? i've had so much going on....the hfc/tnl extravaganza...which was AMAZING btw. i'm so proud. its nice to see stuff you work on and work so hard on and people apprecaite it. i can't WAIT to do that the rest of my life. i've been dealing with signing into classes next semester, which has been a VERY hard process. people are stupid. and now i FINALLY have finals this week. can't wait to go home. its time.


hofstra = its been a good year. i love you all. can you believe its half way over?



i'm tired.


i'm out.









home in FIVE days ;)


-ker-

wait, one more thing...



why do we have to grow up?


someone tell me, please



ok


that's all. you can go now.

i never talked about RHODE ISLAND.


i went to rhode island to see TAMERA and CHUCK who are two cool cats from home. they both have been there for me so many times, and i went to visit them. sometimes, a chick who's stuck on this island REALLY needs to get off. i had an awesome weekend, and...well, it was just kick ass.


my grandmother IS home from the hospital, so i'm so psyched about that. she's doing well. thank you to everyone who was concerned.


and i've been told that i'm really not that much of a loser and i dont suck too much.



TNL/HFC Extravaganza is May 6 in Studio A. Everyone that come, must. It should be a good show. I was weary at first...and I feel like I am unable to be as involved this year as I have been the past two film fests we've had, but i'm so proud of hfc. we have accomplished soooooo much. i love them all. I DO!!


i wish i had more to say. mais, je suis hyper-stresse. donc, je ne peux pas parler. again, i hope you speak french!



so, thats it for me. stress, stress,....o, did i mention STRESS??


lata skata

kkkkeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

so i have a lot to talk about but i'm going to focus on one thing: how much i suck.



we had elections last night for HFC, and I was running for vice president. i was nervous, only because i knew how qualified the person i was running against was. I had written this whole wonderful speech, and then someone toldme i shouldnt be that worrie abou it, and just say whatever came naturally when i got up there. That sounded like a good idea, and i followed the advce. only problem is, i'v been really worried about my grandmother and a lot of shit happened yesterday. so without a defined speech, i got in front of my friends and totally bombed. i dont blame anyone for not voting for me or thinking less of me because of what happened. kieran will be an awesome vp, and i know that he knows that if anything gets to be too much to handle, he will be able to count on me to do anything he needs. Everyone in HFC knows that. I'm definately throwing myself into more activities next year...


So nothing that i wanted to happen this semester, things i worked so hard for, happened. it was like, anything that i wanted so bad and put so much energy into, didnt turn out the way i wanted it to. when we were brainstorming for the 48 hour, we had this idea to show two people; one who didn't work at all and got everything, and one that worked and worked and worked and didn't get anything out of it. thats what i feel like right now, like that person who works so hard and sets goals for herself and no matter what she does, she can't attain them. i wanted to be an ra; i'm on the waiting list. i wanted to live with my friends; that just didnt happen...either time. i wanted this, that didnt happen (and i dont blame anyone for that because with the weak ass presentation i gave last night, i wouldnt have voted for me either.) there's other things too...i just feel like i try and try and try...and i just keep running into a wall. does that mean i shouldnt try anymore? does that mean i should just give up? i wasnt raised like that. that isnt me. but all this big stuff hasnt ever happened to me at once and i dont understand. does someone out there hate me? cause right now, i hate myself.




J'ai le mal du pays. Je voudrais ma mere. Ses mots sont très confortable à moi. Elle me manque beaucoup tous les jours. Et ma ville me manque aussi. Je regrete pour mes larmes. Je ne voudrais pas pleurer plus. Ma vie est très décevoir et pour ça, je regrete aussi. J'éspere que tu connais français ou tu es hors de la chance. C'est tout....


~ker~

so once again i've been sucking at blog life. my original intent was to write when i came back the beginning of the week. but shit happens....

lets discuss break first.

road trip with rachel = lots of singing, talking, and having a BLAST! (lol) "he's a STALKER!"(regarding the fact that when we pullled into the parking lot, my bf was talking to her mother, and they hadn't ever met before...)

montreal with mung and the boys = fun, fun, fun. i saw too many naked girls that weekend, but i had the best hotel room i could imagine and a wonderful birthday!! thanks guys ;)

syracuse = admittedly, i LOVED syracuse. i had the most amazing time there and the campus is beautiful. i loved everything i heard, saw, eat, all the people i met.....don't worry i'm not going....i....{sigh}...

the rest of break = relaxing and calm, for the most part. i had a lot to do and i got it all done.


when i got back, at first i was relaxed, i played ninetendo for like, a day, but on tuesday i found out my grandmother had had a heart attack. being the closest one to where they live (about 45 minutes from here), i drove up tuesday night and stayed until late thrusday. she's going to be ok, but has to stay in the hospital until the beginning of next week. i am so overwhelmed and exhausted now. i just want school to be over. i am so unmotivated here. i mean, i want to get good grades but hofstra frustarates me so!!!
thank goodness for all of my amazing friends here.......





well, phone calls, ims and the such would be appreciated. i think i'm running away for the weekend. to drown my sorrows somewhere else....i can't do this anymore....i just want to run away....




ker

i love you mung. you are my rock, thank goodness i have you

btw - she still haunts my dreams. what does that mean?

doesn't anybody want me??










i really need to get out of here....






can i do it?

i dont know what to say about life right now. for some reason, looking back, i can remember things that i though were big problems at the time. at the time, i mean, they were. i almost laugh now. because as we grow up, the problems of our past seem so simple and childish. but there are so many problmes i know i will have in the future. so many things of the present that who knows if they are permanent or not. i have so many decisions to face, and every one will effect the rest of my life. what does that mean? i mean, really. like problems and people of my past...where did they go? why arent they problems anymore? why are things so connected? why arent signs clearer to understand....i've had a bad week and a good one at the same time. i have good friends. i do. home and here. i miss my vegas girls. drunken surfing w/ penguins!!



with that thought


i'm outtie.

ker

so today is going to suck...when you start out a day crying...you know its not gonna be good....

so its been, like, a fucking long time since i've written. but i've been stressed out, and haven't even realized it. i'm fuckin drinkin a beer right now cause i need some sort of VICE and RELEASE. i have a research paper due tomorrow that i barely understand dispite constant meetings with one of the professors. i have a midterm tuesday which i have barely started studying for. i find out tomorrow if i get the RA position that is really important to me. i have my fucking P. my cell phone broke in half on wednesday, so i had to miss the highlight of my hofstra weeks; film club (YAY HFC). (although, dispite that and the emergency, wednesday turned out ok because everything ended up fine and i got a fuckin awesome phone "nice phone FREAK" lol...yes i have that fucking awesome kyocera slider phone, yup, i do.) friday i got to see the most AMAZING FUCKING FILM OF MY LIFETIME (sometimes the word fucking means more with the "g" dont you think???) i havent had sex or even fucking SEEN my boyfriend in 3 weeks, so i cant wait til friday!! my 20th birthday is in 13 days (april 4th...same as RUSSO's WOO HOO) and i'm going to montreal with the rut boys, who are the sole purpose of my LIFE. so that freaks me out a bit...i've been a teenager for 6 years now, and i get use to it, and i'll never be this age again. did i do everything right? do i regret anything? my heart was broken, i loved and lost, i lied and hated liars, i was hurt, betrayed, i hurt, betrayed, i have made the best friends i could ever imagine having, and i lost some that were too good to be true. people died, my life changed....so much happens in the 6 years you are a teenager....does 20 mean that i have to grow up? what does 20 mean? is it going to be different than 19? the past year treated me well, i grew up...i know so much more and have felt so much more in the past year...i saw more than i ever knew i would see...and it scares the fuck out of me. one of the best friends i ever had is getting MARRIED in may. she is a week older than me...MARRIED. can you believe it? i miss the days when we played house and if there was a guy there, he could be the husband (ewww, gross!!) and if not, you would fight with your friends over who got to be the mother. and now its real? now we make the decisions we have to live with for the rest of our lives? is it giving up? growing up? loving? or finding what is right? i'm not ready to be on my own. i'm not ready, i'm too afraid. i think this is why i've never fully adapted to college life, as much as i want too. i'm afraid....


and that just made me cry. lol. and laugh. i've never been unwilling to be older. o goodness, is this where we start lying about our age?? LOL.



on april 4th. i will wake up. hung over. in another country. in the arms of my stupendus boyfriend. whom i love. and want to forever. you better call and wish me a happy fucking birthday!!!

lol. sorry for all the FUCKING (lol) but it seemed appropriate today. i need another beer...or a clove...damn.



peace




out





,



yo





.




-ker-

why does she haunt my dreams? i had a dream that we were driving like we used to do around our lil city, we passed where we found our friendly little cone, drove out to our spot, and screamed as loud as our lungs would allow us...just to get rid of the stress. i need one of those rides, and i could take the same ride with a million people, but it wouldnt be like it was with you. you know who you are, actually, i bet everyone knows who you are. i'm so upset, because i know that things could never be the same, even if you wanted to be friends again. i saw your step-mom this weekend. she told me about you, how you're doing....and i miss you like crazy. no one will ever replace the friendship we had....i hope you are doing well...i hope life is good to you...i hope he is good to you...i hope you are good to him....i love you both and miss you....just want you to know that i think of you....



i hope you think of me too....


i have days where things happen that only you would understand, because you were there originally....but you're goine now....i'm losing my memory of you......i don't want to leave this world without ever having you back in my life again....maybe i'm being overdramatic, but i can't believe that you weren't hurt at all when you wrote me that letter almost a year ago...i don't know you anymore and i dont think i ever will....but i'll always be here if you need me...i wish i could say the same for you............




s'il vous plait retourner de moi.....je tu besoin....touts les jours de ma vie....

pet peeve: ** when boys (even just ones that are supposedly your friends) who say they will call don't, or say that they care and don't show it....if you don't want to call me, then don't tell me you will. if you don't want to hang out with me, don't ask me to meet you in the middle of the night. if you don't want to be my friend, after all the bullshit you've put me through....then don't try and pretend that you are. its time to cut the bullshit and grow up and just frickin realize i'm not a child anymore. and i just want to be your friend. so either grow a set and deal, or walk away and don't look back...**








A MAN IS A = boy whom happened to find a woman to take care of him. [NOT his mother.] .....this is something i just came up with...i would say after being awake for 24 hours, thats not bad ;)


and...i'm outtttttt......

<~>ker<~>

thats it.






i quit.

since i'm missing my doomie, i decided to have a post devoted to my one true french love: DUMAS. (this isn't a convo, this is dumas GEMS from convos her and i have had and messages she has left me. cuz i love her. this can be her FAN page!)


doomie242: how you doin my slute?
~
doomie242: ...that would be so yay
mainyrhtak: so yay
mainyrhtak: only you woud say so yay
mainyrhtak: lol dumie i love you
doomie242: hehe yea i know my gramma aint too well
doomie242: i love you also, i need to see you during break
~
doomie242: yay! whatever floats your boat or finds your lost remote
~
doomie242: yes byebye slute I love you too! hang it there katye bear
~
doomie242: hey slute
mainyrhtak: hey pet what up
~
mainyrhtak: yah its pouring here
doomie242: ewwww, doesnt it stink
~
doomie242: see you know what my prob is
doomie242: i need to get my period really bad
doomie242: i am pms'd as much as i possibly could be
mainyrhtak: need?
mainyrhtak: lol
~
doomie242: like right now the roomate needs to die
doomie242: shes like THANKS for inviting me to dinner, I'm wanna say maybe i dint want you to go BIATCH
mainyrhtak: LOL
doomie242: yesss
doomie242: i just made her put on headphones, shall i blast the music LOUDER
doomie242: wowww im being a bitch
mainyrhtak: doomie i love
mainyrhtak: YOU
~
doomie242: pleasant dreams
doomie242: SLUTE
~
doomie242: byebye roBARE NAKEd
doomie242: love yas
mainyrhtak: lol
mainyrhtak: u 2
doomie242: haha barenaked i love it
doomie242: im lookiin it up in french
mainyrhtak: lol
~
doomie242: wow you are so so hot
~
doomie242: slute
**this was a message left by itself when i was away about, o, let's say 100 times!**
~
mainyrhtak: The Rut won't know what hit it when Yackie and Dumas are reunited!!! :-)
mainyrhtak: is it gonna blow up??
doomie242: yup if i have a big enough pet it will
mainyrhtak: LOL
~
doomie242: thats right, theres enough of me to go around for everyone
~
doomie242: duh
doomie242: come on now
doomie242: you've been smokin too much
~
doomie242: firme la bouch
mainyrhtak: fermez la bouche!
doomie242: yea that too
~
doomie242: then i was like wait a tick...
~
doomie242: why the f are you takin french 4
**only dumas would refrain from using profanity in an im...so she can save it all up and use it all when she is WITH you!**
~
doomie242: im tired
doomie242: im cranky
doomie242: and im sick of guys
~
mainyrhtak: not always a good thing laura
doomie242: ok whats this horrible name u callin me
mainyrhtak: lol
~
doomie242: slute love
doomie242: you know how that goes down 8-)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I love you dumas. and maybe not everyone who reads this will think these GEMS are funny, because they are totally taken out of context, and maybe they wont understand our version of french, but i love you doomie. miss you. can't wait to see you!! and remember, babe, "everything everything will be alright - everything everything will be just fine."

-ker-

in the words of caitlin reid: "in blogworld I've been kind of sucking at life, and there's quite a bit to catch up on." but, dispite all the wonderful, confusing, frustarating, annoying, joyful, crazy, amazing events of the past week/last few days...i've decided to just post a poem i wrote almost a year ago at one of my favorite gettaways and one of the most inspiring places i have ever been.


Insomnia

Pressure
Like a shaken warm soda builds up inside.
I can't manifest myself in the form that you wearn for me to bne.
I am not a chameleon,
Changing at your command.
The words don't filter down for me at 3 am
While the rain beats down
As they do for you,
On you
You made me feel as vulnerable
Naive
Loved


{The way you make me feel}


The bed is warm with your slumber
Sleep lurks above my insomnia
Like a carrot dangled in front of a horse
Always just
Out of

{Reach}

The ticking of the clock drives me insane
And you,
With your body weight heavy on the mattress
As its springs cry out beneath you --


Pressure
Screeching as a kettle ready for tea
I wish I could scream so the sandman knew I was ready
Ready for that peace
The relief that is my nostrils flaring with snores in the night.

The bed is comfy
- Hard,
Like you
My pillow sends icy chills up my
Spine
And down the covers
You say

That's the way a pillow SHOULD be.



My mind wanders away from my control
Off into a land that is
- You
Off into the hills and valleys of your

- Soft body
Pining for soemthing more than is already there
Attempting to
- Discover
As Columbus
Attempting to
- Boldly go where no woman has gone before
Venturing out into this new land
This
New man
This man that is mine
. . . Mine
. . . Mind
- My mind is adjusted back and I've been dreaming

Damn

You haunt me in the way that it makes me feel good
Real good

Good enough to eat you
And lick my lips
And then - lick yours

Member that tiume
When I kissed you
That, first time
When we were alone
And you quivered
And . . . I smiled
You shook
with happiness
As a little boy with his new
-Bat
And I am the catcher across the field
Ball in hand ready for some
- Play


I can't escape you
But, I don't wait to
All I want to do is sleep

And then I am awakened by
Morning
Sunshine waskes the grime of night off my gentle body,.
The sweet aroma of breakfast engulfs
My once flaring nostrils . . .


You appear



I smile


My nights are always restless with this

In
-Som-
Nia

But the sight of you
First thing in the morning
Makes me feel well rested
Alive - awake
You arms sweep down and surround me
Trapping me in a place I'm happy to be

Hold on tight
Sweet one
The nights are long
The days are short
But our love will outlast
My
In-Som-Nia






And thats all folks.



-ker-

its funny the turns that life takes. i thought i had made progress and then it has to go and throw pie in my face.



and thats my life!

tune in next week to see what happens next!


I find myself wondering during the day
Are things going to work out it is so hard to say
My best I will try thats all I can do
Maybe leaving this place or staying in school
When the time comes I will know what is right
But for now there is darkness w/ a faint distant light-DUMAS

You are so talented Doomie [u slute] i love u.



i feel like i have so much to say but no words with which to say it. my heart wants to sing but everytime i think it has the chance, it gets crushed. maybe it likes to get plowed over like that....and you know what else i dont understand? why in the fucking worldit has any effect on me at all. i don't understand how the way u are acting can making me so flippin mad. why can u do this to me? why do u do this to me? i hate it









and sometimes you....



ker


i love you mung. i always you. i never want to lose u. whole bunches ;)

thank you 825!




it's lyrics time...

When this began/I had nothing to say/And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me/I was confused/And I let it all out to find/That I'm/Not the only person with these things in mind/
Inside of me/But all the vacancy the words revealed/Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel/Nothing to lose/Just stuck/Hollow and alone/And the fault is my own/And the fault is my own//I want to heal/I want to feel/What I thought was never real/I want to let go of the pain/I've held so long/[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]/It's gone]/I want to heal/I want to feel/Like I'm close to something real/I want to find something I've wanted all along/Somewhere I Belong//And I've got nothing to say/I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face/I was confused/Looking everywhere/Only to fin that it's/Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind/
So what am I/What do I have but negativity/'Cause I can't justify the/Way everyone is looking at me/Nothing to lose/Nothing to gain/Hollow and alone/And the fault is my own/The fault is my own//I will never know/Myself until I do this on my own/And I will never feel/Anything else until /my wounds are healed/I will never be/Anything 'til I break away from me/And I will break away/I'll find myself today//I want to heal/I want to feel like I'm/Somewhere I belong

~somewhere i belong~linkin park~


Chill out whatcha yelling' for?/Lay back it's all been done before/And if you could only let it be/you will see/I like you the way you are/When we're drivin' in your car/and you're talking to me one on one but you've become . . .//Why you have to go and make things so complicated?/I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated/Life's like this you/And you fall and you crawl and you break/and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty/
and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it/no no no

~complicated~avril~



And no one knows how to say/That they're sorry/An' don't worry/I'm not telling lies


She said, "I've got to be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here"/And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin' this feelin' is real"/She said, "You've gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?"//"No, you've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion/But I swear that you've got me all wrong"/I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'm be cavalier, I'll be your's my dear/I'll belong to you if you just let me through//This is easy as lovers go, so don't complicate it by hesitating/This is wonderful as loving goes/This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?//I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all my
life"/For so long I thought I was asylum bound/But just seeing you makes me think twice/
And being with you here makes me sane/I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side//"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion/But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

~dashboard confessional~as lovers go~



yessssssss... and thats all she wrote....


-ker-
[munchkin]

i hate not being able to dance.




it makes me sick not dancing.








yup.

::it's 3 am, i must be lonely::

it is three am, and yes, no one is here, but i had a good day. i mean, i didn't wake up until 12, didn't get out of bed until 4:30 [ yes pm! ] and then kin's presence and seeing her dressed made me want to get out of my pjs, so i changed and we ventured to the grocery store [what a wonderful word, "VENTURED"]. then, we made dinner! how lovely. then rachel and i had our very own "quality time" to tell stories, watch silly girlie movies, and just hang out and chat [i did fall asleep a lil during a vander-bar movie...]. so i had a good day.


i miss the stars. looking up at the night sky, the bitter night sky, it just is so sad to see it dim like that. i saw one star at 3 am. one. it must be so lonely up there all by itself. i know i would be. i wonder if stars get paranoid, as humans do, wondering if they will be the only one left, the only one who cares. we do all care, don't we? even if we don't always show it. we are aware of ourselves and are prospective to others emotions, even if we can't always express that [men are horrible with this concept; i mean, straight men, anyway]. well, not all straight men are horrible with this, and not all gay men are good at it. and i'm not concluding that women can always sense what another human is feeling, we just sometimes understand that you don't need to start at the thought, but the emotion, and you will be able to feel out the next steps.
i'm sorry if i suddenly became deep, but thats me. i like letting my mind ramble on a single thought and writing it down [true artists; word association] it's like how when you dance and you can close your eyes when listening to the music and just hear the steps and how they piece together so perfectly. and all you want to do is be able to shine like that and live up to each one of those steps expectations. you dancers know. maybe i sometimes feel like i'm stcuk in that tight close up box where you can only see my eyes, but its not the entire episode, so i know that eventually the camera pulls back to where we can all be comfortable again....please don't cry, please...

i'm happy. i'm content. i'm in love. and i am very thankful to all of my friends. even a do-nothing day like today was amazing because of some friendly faces and my true love's voice.


it's like the book you can't put down. the second act, the next quarter, you just can't wait to see what happens next :)



::pontiluf's leg healed, and he was able to walk again, so he went off to find a new adverture. i didn't miss him::

all these about a single star . . .


.::ker::.

i am never going to sleep tonight.

not that the efforts of my day shall be unfufilling. not that the things i did or said or accomplished should be overlooked; because they are full of importance. not that the people i hugged or drove home or ate breakfast with or talked on the phone to weren't worth the time i spent with them. or the six and a half hours i spent trying very hard to make everyone know me . . . hopefully that was worth something.

but i've been up now for 21 hours and i really want to go to bed. i love you all [u know who you are, the above mentioned]

thanks for making this be my home.

thanks for being my comfort zone

thanks for letting me know its ok to be afraid.


its ok to let people know me. and let people back in. you dont know that i learned that from you today. but thanks anyway. even though you don't know it, i still appreciate it.

4 yrs is so much longer than 2 . . .



and a special tribute to bryan and the red group, for all the help they gave me today:


Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel
My heart's in over drive and you're behind the steering wheel
Touching you, touching me, touching you cause you're touching me
I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we can make it now
We'll be lookin till the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
Ooooooh (huh!)

I wanna kiss you every minute every hour everyday
You got me in a spin but everything is a ok

Touching you, touching me
Touching you cause you're touching me
I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we can make it now
We'll be lookin till the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
ooooooh (it's on)

and if i never hear that lovely, endearing song again, it will be all
too
soon

~ker~

ps - i fell more in love with you mjm. i love you every more each day. i don't know how you do it, but my insides are alway on the floor when you are around. i<3 u.

-girlie-

upon reading other peoples blogs, i yearn to be more articulate but saying less. if that even makes sense. like can i do it?

organization
confrontation
love
hate
work
papers
typing
noses
cigarettes
war
cameras
tv
arguments
sloppiness
cars



o the life of a college student, lacking money and sensibility.


have you ever noticed how many i's are in responsibilities? theres four, thats right, four. think about that. . .



i really don't know what to do with myself.




yelp -- help me



"Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming beautiful exterior.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes and perfect posture
But you're barely scraping by, but you're barely scraping by.

Well this is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all, or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes and perfect makeup
But you're barely scraping by, but you're barely scraping by.

Well this is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all, or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all, or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.
Is the place that you have come to fear the most."







all that can be said is: oy vey.

oy





vey.


~ker~

i sometimes wish i was me . . .

i'm trying to work as much as i can since i've been home. i do need the money. but is this plan working out as i thought? of course not...

i've been consuming my life with dance. and i couldnt be happier. its the only thing i really have to wake up for on these boring winter days. going to dance feels so good. i love vcb and adams school -- and all the wonderful people that make the studio glow...and full of gossip. i love it. i always did. even when the gossip was about me...which, to my knowledge, i was more neutral than anything else...but o well. i've started to choreograph for the spring show. i really really want it. how awesome would that be. i'm so glad i'm *teaching*, well, assitanting teaching this semester. i hope the class isnt that big...especially if its in west wing...i really dont want to use the piano as a barre...

i miss meg and sexy lexykatraeyad and my silly originials.....and def my hfc. sigh. i really do. its good to be in vt with my vters and my lovely amazing treats-me-way-too-fucking-good boyfriend....but, as much as i cant stand to admit it...what was it you said Lex? "thank god we're at hofstra!"??? lol. i do miss hofstra. the freedom of my own choices. we need an apartment i cant live on that campus anymore...i need a kitchen and a ROOM lol......

o to be sexiled....or sexile.......





i do like college ;) girls, we're partying ;)




~ker~