i dont know what to say about life right now. for some reason, looking back, i can remember things that i though were big problems at the time. at the time, i mean, they were. i almost laugh now. because as we grow up, the problems of our past seem so simple and childish. but there are so many problmes i know i will have in the future. so many things of the present that who knows if they are permanent or not. i have so many decisions to face, and every one will effect the rest of my life. what does that mean? i mean, really. like problems and people of my past...where did they go? why arent they problems anymore? why are things so connected? why arent signs clearer to understand....i've had a bad week and a good one at the same time. i have good friends. i do. home and here. i miss my vegas girls. drunken surfing w/ penguins!!



with that thought


i'm outtie.

ker

so today is going to suck...when you start out a day crying...you know its not gonna be good....

so its been, like, a fucking long time since i've written. but i've been stressed out, and haven't even realized it. i'm fuckin drinkin a beer right now cause i need some sort of VICE and RELEASE. i have a research paper due tomorrow that i barely understand dispite constant meetings with one of the professors. i have a midterm tuesday which i have barely started studying for. i find out tomorrow if i get the RA position that is really important to me. i have my fucking P. my cell phone broke in half on wednesday, so i had to miss the highlight of my hofstra weeks; film club (YAY HFC). (although, dispite that and the emergency, wednesday turned out ok because everything ended up fine and i got a fuckin awesome phone "nice phone FREAK" lol...yes i have that fucking awesome kyocera slider phone, yup, i do.) friday i got to see the most AMAZING FUCKING FILM OF MY LIFETIME (sometimes the word fucking means more with the "g" dont you think???) i havent had sex or even fucking SEEN my boyfriend in 3 weeks, so i cant wait til friday!! my 20th birthday is in 13 days (april 4th...same as RUSSO's WOO HOO) and i'm going to montreal with the rut boys, who are the sole purpose of my LIFE. so that freaks me out a bit...i've been a teenager for 6 years now, and i get use to it, and i'll never be this age again. did i do everything right? do i regret anything? my heart was broken, i loved and lost, i lied and hated liars, i was hurt, betrayed, i hurt, betrayed, i have made the best friends i could ever imagine having, and i lost some that were too good to be true. people died, my life changed....so much happens in the 6 years you are a teenager....does 20 mean that i have to grow up? what does 20 mean? is it going to be different than 19? the past year treated me well, i grew up...i know so much more and have felt so much more in the past year...i saw more than i ever knew i would see...and it scares the fuck out of me. one of the best friends i ever had is getting MARRIED in may. she is a week older than me...MARRIED. can you believe it? i miss the days when we played house and if there was a guy there, he could be the husband (ewww, gross!!) and if not, you would fight with your friends over who got to be the mother. and now its real? now we make the decisions we have to live with for the rest of our lives? is it giving up? growing up? loving? or finding what is right? i'm not ready to be on my own. i'm not ready, i'm too afraid. i think this is why i've never fully adapted to college life, as much as i want too. i'm afraid....


and that just made me cry. lol. and laugh. i've never been unwilling to be older. o goodness, is this where we start lying about our age?? LOL.



on april 4th. i will wake up. hung over. in another country. in the arms of my stupendus boyfriend. whom i love. and want to forever. you better call and wish me a happy fucking birthday!!!

lol. sorry for all the FUCKING (lol) but it seemed appropriate today. i need another beer...or a clove...damn.



peace




out





,



yo





.




-ker-