wow. was my weekend interesting.

friday was quite possibly the worst day of my life. i didn't do anything. and although i know this isn't true, i felt like no one cared. it made me so much more homesick to be sitting in my room doing nothing and no one around to be with. a couple times i grabbed my keys and purse, threw on my jacket and started towards the car, just wanting to go home. wouldn't my family have been surprised. or ripshit. but i didn't go home. i didn't bite at the bait temptation was dangling in front of my eyes. i am still so very homesick, after being there just two weeks ago.

last night i think i discovered one of my problems. you know that there is a certain amount of time a week you have to be in your room; ie. sleeping, homework is a biggie, research, studying, papers, more homework, maybe talking to your family on the phone, watching your favorite tv show...things like that. (what i am about to say is nothing against anyone i live with) when i am in my room doing these neccessary things for survival, there's no one else here. so i have to turn on the tv, or stop and call someone from home or something, just to not be so lonely. i only realized last night that i do this. and have been doing this. now, i know that i have plenty of people on this campus, on off it, that care about me. but those of you who have roomates/suitemates that aren't around know what i mean. sometimes it's nice when you can have a double room to yourself, pretty much any frickin time you want it. but sometimes, you don't want it to be empty. sometimes you are crying and you wish there was someone around to give you a hug. and i think that is why i'm homesick. i'm lonely. and my schedule is horrible and by the time i get done with everything for the day, people are already out doing things, and i feel bad calling someone up and saying "hey can i come?". and by the time i START my day, everyone else is finishing and making plans for the night. so my psychoness is what is really making me upset. i'm still having such a hard time adjusting to life at hofstra and on the island. such a hard time. i've been trying so hard to hide my feelings and my tears, because i don't want any of the bad stuff that happened last semester to happen again. i want to be the fun cheery katye i know, and get rid of the tears. i hate crying. tears are so salty and make your eyes so red. i feel like there was a point where i was getting towards the top of the ladder, but now i'm a step up from the bottom rung, and i don't want to let myself fall. i don't know if anyone reading this can really have a clue how i feel, really have a clue what i'm talking about. but reading this and being there for me is what i really want. i love you all so much.

anyway, back to my story...

so friday was almost the worst day of my life. i had gotten to the lowest point of the day, when i told myself i wasn't going to sit around all day. i called meg to see if she was gonna come back to school or not, and she told me not but she'd call me back in a little while. she knew i wasn't ok, either, but understandably in a grocery store so it was hard to hear me. so i called randi who immediately knew something was wrong and came right over. she came in, asked me what's up and i lost it again. i love you randi. so randi and i are in the middle of talking when my door bursts open, and who is it? meghan. she said "go pack your bag, you are coming home with me. we are gonna have an old fashioned girly sleepover and i'm making you vermont pancakes with vermont maple syrup in the morning." i love meghan. so the three of us talked for a little bit, randi went back to what i had interrupted (i'm sorry!!) and meg kidnapped me. it was one of the best nights i have ever had at hofstra. ever. and i love meghan for that.

saturday phil and meg forced me to go to a street fair in nyc. i love the two of them, and it was fun. i have never been to a street fair before. and we had crepes and hand made bagels...mmmm. then i got to hang out with my allie oop who i never get to see anymore. it was fun. we hung out and watched "how to lose a guy in 10 days"...i guess it was research just incase our boys ever turned on us, lol. i'm jk cause we love them! allie left so i could finish cleaning my room. alexis and rachel came over, we stopped by this party, decided it was definately time for the three of us to get drunk. so we went out and got alcohol, came back to my room and watched you guessed it, "how to lose a guy in 10 days"!! when the movie was over and the alcohol was gone, we went back over to the party and had a BLAST. it was so much fun. we sang and met people and i drank a little more, lol. it was def cool. then i came back here and set my alarm and slept for five hours. ack

i got up sunday morning completely hung over, jumped in the shower where i sliced my finger really bad b/c everything decided to fall on me. then i got in the car and drove for three hours on my secret mission. and it was definately a good time, i got the best hugs ever, but it was definately a big tease!!! ( i miss you so much! ) and then drove back here...crying most of the way, getting lost, and getting back just in time for the hfc board meeting that i had COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT. i'm a loser. then i went to bed until 11 and have been typing this since then. wow. long weekend.

so i don't have a clue what to do with myself. my first thing i told myself i needed to decide is what i really want to do. and i want to do french as a major, and film or tv?? because i really want to produce and i really honestly, want to teach french. i can really see myself doing it, i just need to figure the rest of that out.

so i've got stuff on my mind. alot of stuff on my mind. but i'll figrue it all out soon enough.

special thanks to: randi, alexis, rachel, meghan and munger, for making this weekend everything that it was, for making me smile, for hugging me when i cried, for letting me know you care, for singing with me, for having fun with me, for drinking with me, for kidnapping me, for letting me know you love me. i love all of you.

can't wait til next weekend ;)

-kathryn-