so i haven't written in a few days. thats ok, everything sorta was busy. maybe i was just keeping myself busy. i had lunch with Keith today (the coolest Fox in the world, lol) He is really awesome and I think that the two of us are going to be realy good friends (yay!) He really wants me to stay here now that we FINALLY found each other. lol. but i dont know if i can. Deanna wrote a really good statement about how she was feeling and I feel pretty much the same:
I can't explain exactly what it is I am going through right now. Just so many changes and so many insecurities. I don't know my place in this world and I am actually kind of dreading coming back here next semester. I am far too comfortable at home where everybody knows me and takes me as I am. I just continually sit here thinking What did I do wrong? Why do I feel so alone? Why does this always seem to happen to me? What the fuck? I mean I look at other people's profile's and journals and whatever and they have all these amazing moments from college and I dunno. I'm not dazzled by my experience. Maybe for me the first year of every new endeaver sucks because I am scared and shy and it takes me time to trust people. I feel like I have to be someone else. And as things come to an end I shut down, I block people out, it's just easier I guess. I'm not good at goodbyes. I'm not good at anything lately.
i know how you feel, de. i do. and its good that there are couple people out there that understand that. everyone from home assumed i would have the easiest time adjusting to college out of everyone from home. i'm out going and friendly and not easily intimidated. but i've had a really hard time adjusting. i look at my friends from HU and they all are in love with this school and are so well adjusted, they dont really want to leave. so why don't i feel the same way? it's just really complicated, i guess. there are benefits and problems with anything i decide....i can go to school here, and i already have my friends, my clubs, i know my way around, i'm gonna have a car...but i wont truely be happy. i'm not going to be completely excited to come back, and i think that will really affect my overall attitude. i could stay home for a semester, and take some classes and work and my bf will be there next semester....but i would be living at home and feel like i was taking a step backwards rather than forwards. i could go to UMASS and do film and communications and dance and be 2.5 hours away from here and home so i could visit all the time....but i'd have to start over again. and how would i know that i would be any happier there at an even BIGGER school than i am here? it's all so confusing, and i dont know what to do.
thanks, D, for brightening my day. and keith, you are awesome. i look forward to our friendship ;)
peace out - SMILES -
-kay TEE-
