HOME. and what do i get when i get here? snow. and not a little. a fuck load. weatherwise and anniversary wise, it was good to be home last night and not have to put up with the weather. however, it would have been nice to have taken my time packing...then i wouldn't have forgotten so much...

to you huers: i really do miss you already, and i saw you guys yesterday. it was a good semester, and i'm hoping to be more social. but i am taking 18 credits and auditing a class, hopefully dancing in danceworks, maybe choerographing, and, most importantly, doing all my HFC stuff. {sigh} i just wanna get through it all and move on...


love actually is an awesome movie. i wanna make movies like that. movies that say something, that move people. make people feel. inspire. i can not tell you how many ideas i came up with and poems i wrote after seeing that movie. i never see a movie in the theater more than once, but i could go everyday and not get tired of it. i can't wait to own it ;)

its good to be home! cant wait to see the rut crew! work tomorrow...american eagle baby. oooo yah. lol.

i miss you guys! see you in feb!

<3 ker <3

last monday of classes for fall semester. isn't that weird? i was just thinking yesterday how it seems so weird to be in college. i know, i know. i'm almost to my fourth semester. but truely, its weird. i miss being three and not knowing the dangers of the world....truely being innocent. {sigh} i'm almost out of college, and ready for what? what will college teach me? what will it prepare me for? what will become of me and my friendships? i've already lost a friendship that was dear to me, and i barely know how. will people be dropping out of my life like that forever?

its weird to think about, and i'm sorry about the philosophical crap. . . . . . . . .

just writing.....

it freezes my soul like the snow does the flower, the pedals fall ever so softly onto the ground. the letters move to words on the page, but not all can read the language of which my tongue flaps, my pen scribbles. there's meaning in these words, but it is blocked by feelings, emotions, vulernablity, truth. a blockade protecting from hurt, from pain. a wall. a red brick wall with graffitti that serves no purpose beautifully assembled on the side. all for who? if you can't read the words, its not for you. if you can't understand, if you cant break through, if you can't. if you can't. you shouldn't try. they try to tell you. they tell you you can do anything, but can you truely? if you wanted to tear through a brick wall with your bare, bleeding hands, flesh and bone, sensors and receptors....could you do it because you believed and put your mind to it? their clapping loudly in the audience; they believe you can fly. they believe in you. but do u belive in you?

push shove push push shove pushhhhhhhhhh

i'm falling down this hole and don't know where i'm landing. i'm falling down this hole reaching for your hand. wishin you were there to catch me wishin you could make it right. touch me love me feel me tonight
i'm looking at the stars hoping love will never change. i'm looking at the sky hopin everything will stay the same. i'm down on my knees beggin beggin please....the sun rise never looks the same
the wonders of the world keep me going the clock goes round with a battery to push it forward i reach out my hand hoping you will catch me fall i reach out my hand....and dont feel anything at all
i'm sleeping in a bed of clouds dreaming dreaming forever i'm sleeping in a bed of clouds hoping your love will last forever i'm dreaming of the day when you can hold me in your arms...don't let me fall i'm too fragile i will break
i'm loving you today tomorrow and the next i'm loving you forever no matter what comes next i'm loving you i'm loving you i'm loving you ever chance i get. please dont let me fall i'm too fragile i will break please dont let me fail please dont let me fall.
when i reach out my hand please hold it when i reach out for you please grab me when i fall please be there to catch me...please don't let me fall...i'm fragile...i will break....


"i'm sensitive and i'd like to stay that way..." ~ jewel

--ker--

ohhhh hofstra. 17 days until freedom, including today. i think thanksgiving is a teaser for what is to come. i had fun at home this weekend, i even worked. and i had fun on the way back from home with my raey (riendeau, u truly rock my world).

sometimes, i hate the sound of silence. no, no, no, not the song, the actually sound of silence. the din of the room. the sound of only fingers on a keyboard, your roomates humming computer, and the humidifier, which is quickly emptying and occassionally bubbles. but i feel if i had noise or sound to this moment, my mood will immediately change or be lost. i'm calm right now, serene i think is the word. still. just still.

(right on cue)

mmmmm...the sound of my favorite person's voice... i love you mjm. always...




-ker-

i found myself last night. it was the oddest thing. i was walking over the unispan and it was so quiet. i got up right to the middle and stopped. i just stopped. i started to cry. the quietness reminded me of home, of vermont, new england. i became me, the me i knew before i came to college...the me i haven't seen in awhile. it felt good. i want to be me again.....it reminded me of this time at the beginning of summer after my senior year, right after graduation. i took a walk because it was such a beautiful evening. it must of been a thrusday around 7 o'clock. i took a walk and it fel so wonderful. i just walked slowly and i took in every minute of everything around me...it was like everything just slowed down and i had more time to see what was going on and what was in my surroundings. it was such a nice night and i'll always remember it....i'll remember the buttercups.....


(this is a post from wed nov 12)

its been awhile since i've written. but everything is ok on this end. i'm going to endicott to pick up lyz on thrusday night, and then going home. and then we're going to syracuse!! meg, be ready for us! lol. the school better be ready for us. so esstientally, i'm driving all over creation this weekend. i'm going to be dead tired when i get back to school sunday night.

i watched finding nemo last night with some amazing people! you guys rock and made that movie even more enjoyable than it is all by itself ;)

and just to let him know, i fell deeper in love with my boyfriend last night ;) i love you mjm. always.

so everything is ok here. i am stressed right now, although you can't tell. i have projects due, papers galore, a presentation on tuesday, a exam tomorrow, an exam tuesday, an exam wednesday, those silly blackboard assignments (if you don't know what those are YOU ARE LUCKY!!!) ...did i mention i have papers? o and papers? o...i think i forgot....PAPERS!!! i was almost looking forward to working on them this weekend, but i'm going to be home, so we all know this isn't happening!

dane cook is coming to hofstra ;) thanks rut boys, for introducing me to this wonderufl world...

o and sethalupagus? i'm sorry you had to see what you did last night...thats gross...i had nightmares about it...ewwwww....(once again, if you don't know YOU ARE LUCKY!!!)

well, i have to run off to sign up for ushering times. lucky me. i wish i was SLEEPING!!

love you all...email me: krobar1@pride.hofstra.edu

i'm out.

pEaCe

-ker-

wow. was my weekend interesting.

friday was quite possibly the worst day of my life. i didn't do anything. and although i know this isn't true, i felt like no one cared. it made me so much more homesick to be sitting in my room doing nothing and no one around to be with. a couple times i grabbed my keys and purse, threw on my jacket and started towards the car, just wanting to go home. wouldn't my family have been surprised. or ripshit. but i didn't go home. i didn't bite at the bait temptation was dangling in front of my eyes. i am still so very homesick, after being there just two weeks ago.

last night i think i discovered one of my problems. you know that there is a certain amount of time a week you have to be in your room; ie. sleeping, homework is a biggie, research, studying, papers, more homework, maybe talking to your family on the phone, watching your favorite tv show...things like that. (what i am about to say is nothing against anyone i live with) when i am in my room doing these neccessary things for survival, there's no one else here. so i have to turn on the tv, or stop and call someone from home or something, just to not be so lonely. i only realized last night that i do this. and have been doing this. now, i know that i have plenty of people on this campus, on off it, that care about me. but those of you who have roomates/suitemates that aren't around know what i mean. sometimes it's nice when you can have a double room to yourself, pretty much any frickin time you want it. but sometimes, you don't want it to be empty. sometimes you are crying and you wish there was someone around to give you a hug. and i think that is why i'm homesick. i'm lonely. and my schedule is horrible and by the time i get done with everything for the day, people are already out doing things, and i feel bad calling someone up and saying "hey can i come?". and by the time i START my day, everyone else is finishing and making plans for the night. so my psychoness is what is really making me upset. i'm still having such a hard time adjusting to life at hofstra and on the island. such a hard time. i've been trying so hard to hide my feelings and my tears, because i don't want any of the bad stuff that happened last semester to happen again. i want to be the fun cheery katye i know, and get rid of the tears. i hate crying. tears are so salty and make your eyes so red. i feel like there was a point where i was getting towards the top of the ladder, but now i'm a step up from the bottom rung, and i don't want to let myself fall. i don't know if anyone reading this can really have a clue how i feel, really have a clue what i'm talking about. but reading this and being there for me is what i really want. i love you all so much.

anyway, back to my story...

so friday was almost the worst day of my life. i had gotten to the lowest point of the day, when i told myself i wasn't going to sit around all day. i called meg to see if she was gonna come back to school or not, and she told me not but she'd call me back in a little while. she knew i wasn't ok, either, but understandably in a grocery store so it was hard to hear me. so i called randi who immediately knew something was wrong and came right over. she came in, asked me what's up and i lost it again. i love you randi. so randi and i are in the middle of talking when my door bursts open, and who is it? meghan. she said "go pack your bag, you are coming home with me. we are gonna have an old fashioned girly sleepover and i'm making you vermont pancakes with vermont maple syrup in the morning." i love meghan. so the three of us talked for a little bit, randi went back to what i had interrupted (i'm sorry!!) and meg kidnapped me. it was one of the best nights i have ever had at hofstra. ever. and i love meghan for that.

saturday phil and meg forced me to go to a street fair in nyc. i love the two of them, and it was fun. i have never been to a street fair before. and we had crepes and hand made bagels...mmmm. then i got to hang out with my allie oop who i never get to see anymore. it was fun. we hung out and watched "how to lose a guy in 10 days"...i guess it was research just incase our boys ever turned on us, lol. i'm jk cause we love them! allie left so i could finish cleaning my room. alexis and rachel came over, we stopped by this party, decided it was definately time for the three of us to get drunk. so we went out and got alcohol, came back to my room and watched you guessed it, "how to lose a guy in 10 days"!! when the movie was over and the alcohol was gone, we went back over to the party and had a BLAST. it was so much fun. we sang and met people and i drank a little more, lol. it was def cool. then i came back here and set my alarm and slept for five hours. ack

i got up sunday morning completely hung over, jumped in the shower where i sliced my finger really bad b/c everything decided to fall on me. then i got in the car and drove for three hours on my secret mission. and it was definately a good time, i got the best hugs ever, but it was definately a big tease!!! ( i miss you so much! ) and then drove back here...crying most of the way, getting lost, and getting back just in time for the hfc board meeting that i had COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT. i'm a loser. then i went to bed until 11 and have been typing this since then. wow. long weekend.

so i don't have a clue what to do with myself. my first thing i told myself i needed to decide is what i really want to do. and i want to do french as a major, and film or tv?? because i really want to produce and i really honestly, want to teach french. i can really see myself doing it, i just need to figure the rest of that out.

so i've got stuff on my mind. alot of stuff on my mind. but i'll figrue it all out soon enough.

special thanks to: randi, alexis, rachel, meghan and munger, for making this weekend everything that it was, for making me smile, for hugging me when i cried, for letting me know you care, for singing with me, for having fun with me, for drinking with me, for kidnapping me, for letting me know you love me. i love all of you.

can't wait til next weekend ;)

-kathryn-

"But to me it's so damn easy to see that your people are the people at home,
Well I been away but now I'm back today and there ain't a place I'd rather go" -OAR


My friend from high school, Megan, has that in her profile, and nothing could be more true. It's funny because I'm from a town that I'll always thought was small, but not really small, cause I can name plenty of towns in Vermont, and even New York and New Hampshire, that are smaller than mine, but here, everyone assumes it's super small. but it was perfect size. i could live in a town that size for my whole life. i love rutland and all the people in it (well you know what i mean). i think that the people in the rut have this "hub" this connection. its cool because we all know whats up when we are talking about something. there are things i really miss, like people who know what camping really means; like going way out to the pennisula of "the dam" and building a huge bon fire in the dark, all the while getting bitten by bugs and falling down and getting scraped all over...people who know what hiking is in the mud and the rain and the hot hot sun, up deers leap to waterfalls and views that you can't imagine because they are all unbelieveable...people who know that wearing sox with sandals is ok, even with piles of snow on the ground...people who know what a nalgene is, and have a REAL one with stickers all over it, to persoanlize it...people who know how to appreciate doing nothing with people that you love to just do nothing with...people who understand that driving around in the middle of the night only to have your friends steal your car and run over your friends foot (!!) and find huge bumps in the road and railroad tracks, just to jump your car over.....so many memories...i guess thats what this whole "country" thing is everyone is talking about....

i love you rutlanders....all my vegas people...my rut people...i miss you all...

-ker-

do you ever have the kind of day where you wish you could just lay down and cry? why is that day today for me?? couldnt it wait til i was not so stressed and doing so much and could actually eat and be happy and be somewhere i liked?? why today??
i really don't understand the curve balls life throws at you sometimes. and no, this isn't one big thing, its a bunch of little things that have piled themselves up so high i just want to SCREAM!!!! i know that if you are reading this, and you know me, you understand what i mean. and you prolly have never seen me that fed up. i'm just tired. i'm tired of the bull crap. tired of the ignorance. tired of the pain. tired, as in sleepy. tired, as in stressed. tired of long island. yes, definately tired of that. tired of school. tired of not being punctual enough. tired of not being good enough. tired of my stupid foot. tired of missing. tired of pretending. tired of trying so gosh-darn hard to do things i don't want to do to impress people that i shouldn't have a need to impress. tired of the fakeness, the pettiness, the snobbiness, the money (or lack there of). tired of school. tired of work. just tired. why can't we have a vacation of nothingness?









WHERE IS MY SWEATSHIRT? that is what would make me so fucking happy right now. my nice comfy sweatshirt. BUT I'M IRRESPONSIBLE so that's my fault.






grrr.


tear........


-a frustarated kathryn-

bio test sucked the big one. the really big one.

i am really unhappy today and i have no idea why......

i need a hug, and my own bed. i was home yesterday and already i want to go back. even if munger wasnt there, i would want to go back. i need to figure this out. really...


school needs to be different. i need a different education than the one i am receiving. yah, i like my classes, well, most of them (poo on you sco 2!!). but i wish i was just learning hands on stuff. maybe just film and french or something. i would be really happy then. i need to change my schedule so that i see my friends more. i am a lump more than a friend, lately. i love my friends!! all of you!! i need to get out more often.


**happy thoughts**

**when you're bf calls u to say HEY**

**your OLD roomie and you attempt to steal chairs OUT OF THE GARBAGE, only to get caught by public safety, so decide that the grocery store will be more entertaining...and safe**

**you find poems...that you wrote...about love....and people like them**

**simon on 7th heaven wants to be a producer....just like you**

**your bio teacher thinks you know what you are doing, even though you her failed a test**

**that people actually read this thing ;) **

ok. sociology time. i think this is my favorite class this semester. too many cores is most certainly a bad thing.


middlebury?? can i do it?? can i afford it??

-ker-

rereading my entry from oct 7, it looks like my emotions got carried away and my point was lost somewhere between the lines.

my point is this:

i miss my best friend. every friendship goes through ups and downs, and i understand that. but i was really hurt by the email i received in june from my best friend and am obviously still hurting. i can't take back things i've said or done, and we can't overlook anything ANYONE said or did in the past. it's behind us and it can't be changed. we can learn from our mistakes and move on. i miss the friendship that rachel and i had, i even miss the friendship gregg and i once had. we always knew how to have fun, even when we weren't doing anything. you vt people know that it is sometimes hard to find something exciting to do, but we always had our own "adventures", didn't we?

my point on oct 7 was simply that i missed her....we all make mistakes...

i don't know if we could ever be friends again. nothing would ever be the same. the one time i saw you this summer, i wanted to tell you everything that was bottled up inside me, all the song lyrics that made me think of you, the poems i've written....everyone was flabbergasted at the thought of that email....i've written a million letters but never dared to put a stamp on any of them...some apologizing, some upset, some just seeing what was up. a friend to me is someone who is honest and gives there opinion to you, even if it hurts ( right adrianne? ) if you ask, if you complain, if you say something is wrong, we will always be there for you, even if you say it a million times over, never changing a word, and we will always give you advice. friends forgive, and love means never having to say you're sorry.









so why do i hurt so much?














-*-*-kt bear-*-*-

i love dido's new one, white flag. i have to dance to that. i have to.

here's an improv from me...


today i wore white and it rained
lucky pennies taped to this preverbial wall
mocking the way u look at me
honest abe aint so tall anymore
when i can stand over him and wipe him off the ground
veins awaken at your touch
rampand heart rate

the rain soaked through the clothes
washing away what little dignity i had left
shoulda used the crayola markers

my white turned black today
staring at me in that childlike way
innocent to the world
new and uncultured
the sprockets click into place
lights dim

abe cant see me down here
when hes taped onto that wall
i'd get a lecture about honesty if he could

spasms
pulse

today i wore white and it rained
lucky pennies taped to this preverbial wall
mocking the way u look at me
honest abe aint so tall anymore
when i can stand over him and wipe him off the ground
veins awaken at your touch
rampand heart rate
that touch i cant live without
but the touch that will kill me


wow. thats not where i wanted to go, but ok. sometimes, you just hold the pen and u let it write. (quote me on that, i like it.)

out. home tonight. fooooooddddddddd.

xbox? box kicker? what? boys? hugs? old crushes and new loves....oy vey is all i have to say.


i love you mjm.


ker

I shouldn't be saying this, i shouldn't be thinking it...but i'm worried about raey. she's up there, living with her bf (who, by the way, had her block me on her screenname, but, did not block me from his own screenname...does he want to talk to me? i don't understand.) clark told me he talked to her the other day...she lied and said she wanted to grow away from high school and home friends....but why would u send your best friend an email telling her your boyfriend thinks it best for you not to be friends anymore until you break up with your boyfriend and don't talk to any of the people who have actually been there for you? i don't understand this brain washing...of course clark would understand that, because, except for the privilage few, he does not talk to people from home anymore...he has more valid reasons than she does however.....i just think a person should be able to make her own decisions, choose her own friends, and live her own life...i do understand the need for love, the want for love, being IN love....i understand that, i have that. i am in love. but i don't understand the...what is the word i'm looking for....the, void that brain washing or decision making for another person, acting if that person is incapabale of making decisions on their own fills...

i think this topic can not be discussed rightfully on her. i miss rachel. i miss the rachel that i was best friends with sophomore year. that i sat with in bio in front of marty and matt...i miss the rachel that i wrote notes to, that we started a notebook that we would write back and forth to each other. the rachel who i was able to tell everything to, the rachel that told me things no one else knows (voices, dad....etc) the rachel i could tell things to (jake, clark, sex), the rachel that i did so much with, that helped me experience life....it's like she passed away, barried in the back yard with stefy...lol...playgrounds ;)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

dancing.
we are gonna figure this thing out.
diet = good. -5 lbs.
getting better every day.
gym = tonight.
everything = moving in the right direction.....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

what is the answer to the question? what is the question that i am seeking an answer to?





i love u mjm.

-kaytee-

i had a really good weekend at home.........

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older/Then we wouldn't have to wait so long/And wouldn't it be nice to live together/In the kind of world where we belong//You know its gonna make it that much better/When we can say goodnight and stay together//Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up/In the morning when the day is new/And after having spent the day together/Hold each other close the whole night through//Happy times together we've been spending/I wish that every kiss was neverending/Wouldn't it be nice//Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true/Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do/We could be married/And then we'd be happy//Wouldn't it be nice//You know it seems the more we talk about it/It only makes it worse to live without it/But lets talk about it/Wouldn't it be nice//Good night my baby/Sleep tight my baby

When I get older losing my hair,/Many years from now./Will you still be sending me a valentine/Birthday greetings bottle of wine. /If I'd been out till quarter to three /Would you lock the door, /Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four.//You'll be older too, /And it you say the word, /I could stay with you. //I could be handy, mending a fuse /When your lights have gone. /You can knit a sweater by the fireside /Sunday mornings go for a ride, /Doing the garden, digging the weeds, /Who could ask for more. /Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I'm sixty-four. //
Every summer we can rent a cottage, /In the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear /We shall scrimp and save /Grandchildren on your knee /Vera Chuck & Dave. //Send me a postcard, drop me a line, /Stating point of view /Indicate precisely what you mean to say /Yours sincerely, wasting away /Give me your answer, fill in a form /Mine for evermore /Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I'm sixty-four.

hehehe.




and thats all i have to say.








for now.

;)



-kay-tee-

i am in a really good mood!! I had a sociology test, and i feel very confident that i did excellent! yay!

(So yesterday)/(So yesterday)/(So yesterday)/You can change your life/(If you wanna)/You can change your clothes/(If you wanna)/If you change your mind/Well that's the way it goes/But I'm gonna keep your jeans/And your old black hat/('Cuz I wanna)/They look good on me/You're never gonna get them back/At least not today/Not today/Not today, 'cuz//If it's over let it go and/Come tomorrow it will seem/So yesterday/So yesterday/I'm just a bird/That's already flown away//Laugh it off/Let it go and/When you wake up it will seem/So yesterday/So yesterday/Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay//You can say you're bored/(If you wanna)/You can act real tough/(If you wanna)/You could say you're torn/But I've heard enough//Thank you/You've made my mind up for me/When you started to ignore me/Do you see a single tear/It isn't gonna happen here/At least not today/Not today/Not today, 'cuz//If it's over let it go and/Come tomorrow it will seem/So yesterday/So yesterday/I'm just a bird/That's already flown away//Laugh it off/Let it go and/When you wake up it will seem/So yesterday/So yesterday/Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay//If you're over me, I'm already over you/
If it's all been done, What is left to do/How can you hang up,If the line is dead/If you walk out, I'm a step ahead/If you're movin' on, I'm already gone/If the light is off, Then it isn't on/At least not today/Not today/Not today, 'cuz//If it's over let it go and/Come tomorrow it will seem/So yesterday/So yesterday/I'm just a bird/That's already flown away/Laugh it off/Let it go and/When you wake up it will seem/So yesterday/Haven't you heard you're so (yesterday)/
If it's over let it go and/Come tomorrow it will seem/So yesterday/So yesterday/I'm just a bird
That's already flown away/Laugh it off/Let it go and/When you wake up it will seem/So yesterday/So yesterday/Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay -hilary duff-

i dunno. i just felt that kinda. i mean, i am gonna be ok. i was stressing major last night. we had hfc productions auditions last night. tita and i finally figured out we live 20 minutes from each other, lol. can u imagine that she went to woodstock and i went to rutland? its really funny. we know some of the same people, too....i got to talk to mung earlier today, too. so we got to talk longer at lunch, which was defiantely nice. i get to have dinner with rachel again tonight. i hate the fact that my schedule is so incredibly different from everyone elses that i dont get to see my originals at all. i think that i've seen taylor three times the entire month we've been here, and all of those times were in passing. grrr. lol. i love you guys, if you are reading this, and i want to hang out with you more!! we need to do a movie...the same goes for katraeyad, i wish i could see you guys more, too. grr. college. grr.

i talked to my sister today. i'm psyched that she is gonna ride home with me next week. so that will be fun. then i dont HAVE to drive the whole way home, either....that is, if i trust her with my car...hehehe.

i wanna go home, but i feel like i should be here. its a tear, straight down the middle...i love you munger ;) hehehe. i'm glad that i'm getting my windshield fixed, or fizzled, as i wrote and then i realized it was NOT correct, lol.

i miss dancing!! can i say that enough!

ok, time for the end of this entry. i need to fill my stomach (before it kills me) and do laundry! ack! being home this weekend will be fun though, i will admit! i'll miss my HUers!

peace, love, and a friendly smile
-kay-tee-

today he is coming. ya! i love when i get to cuddle up next to my boyfriend at night. its such a nice, safe feeling. {sigh} mmm, it makes me smile just to think about him.

it's been a long week. i had the flu all week and i don't feel like i did much of anything. hopefully next week will be different. i am starting to feel better now. i was able to relax and get some sleep last night, so that was definately a plus. i have to go to gittleson to make up my bio lab that i missed on wednesday. then i'll have to come back here and read for sociology and my mass communications class. i have to write a silly paper on what i think about the KaZaA lawsuit(s). That will not be hard. LOL. I hope this weekend is close to how good last weekend was ;)

well. i should go to the lab and do some homework and run my errands. peace all.

~don't forget to smile~
girle

so it's september. and i'm at school. my computer has already messed up once and my car has a crack in the windshield. woo-is-me. {sigh}

last sunday was munger's 21st birthday. it was the most amazing, romantic, passionate weekend of my life. i couldn't be more happier than i am with him. physically or emotionally. i would love it if he could be here with me more, or i could be there with him. i love him, i love you munger. you know that (you better). i'm so glad that i'm here, too. it's still hard, but i'm doing it. my friends here are wonderful. i'm still working on balancing school work and my social life and trying to sleep and trying to be healthy....

i am tried and sick. but i'll write more later

gross bisses~
kt bear

Tonight was emotional. I love him so much, I am so torn. It's going to be hard to go back to school, but at the same time, i just want to so badly. i love him, and i know he knows that, hell, everyone knows that. its just a weird position. like, i feel guilty for wanting to go back and wanting to get through school and wanting to party and hang out with my friends. and make my movies and speak french...i feel so guilty just leaving him here. but he knows i love him and he knows if i had my way i would see him every day. but i am so psyched. i get to see my girls! and i have my car now, so that will be totally awesome to go when we or i need to or want to ;) i'm looking forward to this year and it will be good to be back with such awesome people who i care about so much. i miss everyone dearly! 5 days guys, just 5 more...

see you all this weekend!!

gross bisses ~
-kay-tee-

so i haven't written in a few days. thats ok, everything sorta was busy. maybe i was just keeping myself busy. i had lunch with Keith today (the coolest Fox in the world, lol) He is really awesome and I think that the two of us are going to be realy good friends (yay!) He really wants me to stay here now that we FINALLY found each other. lol. but i dont know if i can. Deanna wrote a really good statement about how she was feeling and I feel pretty much the same:
I can't explain exactly what it is I am going through right now. Just so many changes and so many insecurities. I don't know my place in this world and I am actually kind of dreading coming back here next semester. I am far too comfortable at home where everybody knows me and takes me as I am. I just continually sit here thinking What did I do wrong? Why do I feel so alone? Why does this always seem to happen to me? What the fuck? I mean I look at other people's profile's and journals and whatever and they have all these amazing moments from college and I dunno. I'm not dazzled by my experience. Maybe for me the first year of every new endeaver sucks because I am scared and shy and it takes me time to trust people. I feel like I have to be someone else. And as things come to an end I shut down, I block people out, it's just easier I guess. I'm not good at goodbyes. I'm not good at anything lately.

i know how you feel, de. i do. and its good that there are couple people out there that understand that. everyone from home assumed i would have the easiest time adjusting to college out of everyone from home. i'm out going and friendly and not easily intimidated. but i've had a really hard time adjusting. i look at my friends from HU and they all are in love with this school and are so well adjusted, they dont really want to leave. so why don't i feel the same way? it's just really complicated, i guess. there are benefits and problems with anything i decide....i can go to school here, and i already have my friends, my clubs, i know my way around, i'm gonna have a car...but i wont truely be happy. i'm not going to be completely excited to come back, and i think that will really affect my overall attitude. i could stay home for a semester, and take some classes and work and my bf will be there next semester....but i would be living at home and feel like i was taking a step backwards rather than forwards. i could go to UMASS and do film and communications and dance and be 2.5 hours away from here and home so i could visit all the time....but i'd have to start over again. and how would i know that i would be any happier there at an even BIGGER school than i am here? it's all so confusing, and i dont know what to do.

thanks, D, for brightening my day. and keith, you are awesome. i look forward to our friendship ;)

peace out - SMILES -

-kay TEE-

so ya. i had an interesting night. dude, i am the coolest desi (designated driver) in the world ;) lol. i had fun. but i lost my coat :( where could it be? i think one of the girls took it out of the car by accident, but i hope they still have it if they do. ho hum. i guess we'll find it. anywho, its been a long night and i wish i coulda talked to you longer, mung :( definately tomorrow. wow, i just yawned. i need to sleep!! i want to sleep!! everyone else is sleeping in this world. i really miss you hunnie, and i wish you could be here so i could fall asleep next to you. thats what i want right now more than anything. i stink of pot and frat boys hooking up with these drunken dancers and cops yelling and cigarettes and flip cups and cigars and beer and beer and jungle juice and beer...i think i could high off of the smell on my hands. i had fun though. i really did. i like taking care of people. it makes me feel important. and a big thanks to erin mccormack who rocks my world by representing good ol VT!! and is really amazingly awesome to talk to. if i am here next year, i'm gonna live it up with u girl ;) ok i need to get some shut i now...hopefully nat wont call until at least 12...here's hoping...

i love you mung. i would have had 100% more fun if you coulda been there with me tonight. and here with me now. hey guess what??

peace ya'll - catch ya on the flip side...

-ker-

happy thoughts.

when your boyfriend is so excited to see you, that he puts his hoody on inside-out. *smile*. Yvan Dlo. *smile*

when you go to the fridge at 3 am when you can't sleep and you find boston chicken apples that you can eat...your suite mate asks u if you can do that and you say just watch...

when you go to sleep with the heating pad on because it is the only thing that is helping your stomache feel better and when you wake up in the morning and realize that oh shit you left it on all night but its ok cause you're not burnt..

when you wake up in the morning to the sound of your roomate snoring...a sound you haven't heard in a month...

when you have random, dumb thoughts on the unispan when you are with your *girls*, talking about potty training and stuff, and all they can do is laugh, becuase they love you, and in that moment, you know that they will always be there for you no matter what, no matter where you are...

when you can walk to a friends room at 1 in the morning and both be completely down in the dumps, ready to leave some stuff behind, but in 5 minutes are laughing like there are no problems outside the door to the room and there is no one in the world but the two of you, and you can have fun and laugh and talk about the *after sex bear* and condoms and sex and porns and pot and drinking and boys and friends and homesickness and long island and friendship and just hug and laugh and cry...

it's good to know who is always going to be there for you. i love getting little messages like "hey can u help me with this?" no matter what it is or how long it's going to take, i like being able to help people, even if we haven't been *super* close in the past few months...i love being able to sick and talk to that person like we used to like we have been talking and hanging out everyday of our lives...i love getting little messages like "hey i'm stealing this quote from you" from friends...even if i stole it from someone else in the first place, just cause 1) its awesome to know that they want to steal something you have and like what you have and 2) that they take the time out of their day to look at your profile and away message...

i like walking back into my room after a LONG day of everything and nothing all at once, when i feel sick, with a message from my boyfriend (hey guess what?) on the computer screen...


sometimes, life is so worth while when you are doing nothing. and thats when you realize that there are people that care about you and what will happen to you and where you will be...when you can find people who like to do nothing with you, you are set.

never stop smiling and picking your dandelions....one never knows when winter will come again....

These tears I've cried/I've cried 1000 oceans/And if it seems/I'm floating in the darkness/Well, I can't believe that I would keep/Keep you from flying/And I would cry 1000 more/If that's what it takes/To sail you home/Sail you home/Sail you home//I'm aware what the rules are/But you know that I will run/You know that I will follow you/Over silbury hill/Through the solar field/You know that I will follow you//And if I find you/Will you still remember/Playing at trains/Or does this litte blue ball/Just fade away/Over silbury hill/Through the solar field/You know that I will follow you/I'm aware what the rules are/But you know that I will run/You know that I will follow you//These tears I've cried/I've cried 1000 oceans/And if it seems/I'm floating in the darkness/Well I can't believe that I would keep/Keep you from flying/So I will cry 1000 more/If that's what it takes/To sail you home/Sail you home/Sail you home/Sail/Sail you home... ~ 1000 oceans, tori amos ~

-ker-

hey guess what mung?

i was in a phenomonally wonderful mood today. granted, my day didnt start until 12:30 when i woke up. i tried not to let anything or anyone bother me today. it wasn't a particularly good day, it was nice out. i wore all white and it rained (that sounds like a line from a song...) thanks to the pep that left me messages today ;) you know who u are. i got to talk to mung, today. i am so lucky to have him in my life. even when he isn't having the best of times in his life, he is still always there for me 110%. i'm really lucky. i have an AWFUL headache right now though...it's just throbbing with pain, kind of mocking me in a way. o well.

i can't wait to go home to my friends. it's just time. i miss my girls, greener, nuts! (heathbar), baby sting raey, tamerita, ash, gee, lyzzard, kaitlin, erica, encore kids, vcbers...everybody i've missed since i've been here. and my boys, mung (of course), snick, doug, brent, alex, dave, the fly crew...playing lax, camping...there is so much i cant wait to do when i get back.


well. time to do french for other people. again. what's new????

american pickle???

-ker-

"There Is" ~ BOXCAR RACER

this vacation's useless/these white pills aren't kind/i've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive/i missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9/and slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights/i've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have/the days have come and gone/our lives when but so fast/i faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor/where i laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more//do you care if i don't know what to say/will you sleep tonight or will you think of me/will i shake this off pretend its all okay/that there someone out there who feels just like me/there is//those notes you wrote me/i've kept them all/i'll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall/with every single letter in every single word there/will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl//do you care if i don't know what to say/will you sleep tonight or will you think of me/will i shake this off/pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me/there is//do you care if i don't know what to say?/will you sleep tonight or will you think of me/will i shake this off/pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me//do you care if i don't know what to say?/will you sleep tonight or will you think of me/will i shake this off/pretend its all okay that there's someone out there who feels just like me/there is

i love this song. i really like boxcar racer better than blink 182. odd? yes, seeing as boxcar is 2/3 of blink...oh well.
~~
i had a really good day today. i had dinner with most of the originals (i miss you tay). i'm glad that i have them. i know no matter what or what happens to me and where i ends up, i will always have them. i had an awesome dance class today. it just felt so perfect. and i was just hyper and stuff. i talked to snick tonight, so that was cool. and i got to talk to my boy (whom i love, by the way :-9 ) a bunch of times, just cause i'm lucky like that. 18 more days from today! yay! can't wait til i'm back boys...but at the same time, i don't want to go? weird, isn't it??

(just read my megeorgias away message....Who needs boys when I've already found my soulmates? ya, she's talking about the originals)

well, its time for bed (or is it?)

see ya'll on the flip side!

-kayTEE in da HOUUUUUSE!-

they painted up your secrets/with the lies they told to you/and the least they ever gave you/was the most you ever knew//and i wonder where these dreams go.when the world gets in your way//what's the point in all this screaming/no one's listening anyway//your voice is small and fading/and you hide in here unknown/and your mother loves your father/'cause she's got nowhere to go//and she wonders where these dreams go/'cause the world got in her way/what's the point in ever trying/nothing's changing anyway//they press their lips against you/and you love the lies they say/and i tried so hard to reach you/but you falling anyway//and you know i see right through you/'cause the world gets in your way/what's the point in all the screaming/you're not listening anyway...

- acoustic #3 - goo goo dolls -


sometimes, the world does get in the way. and you make decisions you think are right, and then comes a day when you wake up in the morning crying from a dream you had and you say to yourself, "am i really happy?" and when you can't honestly answer the question with a yes, then you know that you need to change. i need to make some changes, cause i've lost myself. where did i go? i don't know, but i'm trying so hard to reach me, but i'm falling anyway....

-ker-

so this is my blog. yup. mine ;)

so this weekend was llllooonnnnggggg.... i got mad at mung for the first time in our relationship. but everything is ok now (thank God) cause he has been my saving grace.... I ran into Caroline for the first time since break and she is awesome. she made me feel so important and that i'm actually going to be missed if i'm gone. thanks for making me feel sane, babe ;) if i don't come back, i'm gonna miss everyone. i love all my hofstra crew, i just dont think that i fit in this school. its hard for me to be myself here, and i feel like i have been walked on a lot already and disrepected and i dont know how to handle that. i am incredibly home sick, too. i just need my new england. i hope everyone can understand that. nothing anyone did or said is making me thinking about going. i just need to be somewhere i am happy. and i have had to pretend like i was happy all year. thanks to my friends that gave me good times and memories here; i'll be back to see you guys if i decide to go. i look forward to spending the next couple of weeks with my WANNABE girls, my Originals, HFC, katraeyad (RENT - i will never forget every day...), dancer girls (and boy!), and everyone that made me smile at Hofstra. Thanks to everyone who has made me feel important and taken me out and shown me a good side of HU (katraeyad! i miss you girlies...). goodness, this is so depressing. but there is still a chance i'll be back here, but no matter what, i'll be back to visit and crew some HFC films...o yah and party it up hofstra style! lol...

going home is gonna be sad and good at the same time. its been a good year, through the good and bad, we all made it! so long freshman year, hello sophomore! lol. love you all how made hofstra a friendly place ;)

can't wait to come home! 20 days! ;)

SMILE

-kay-tee-