wait, one more thing...



why do we have to grow up?


someone tell me, please



ok


that's all. you can go now.

i never talked about RHODE ISLAND.


i went to rhode island to see TAMERA and CHUCK who are two cool cats from home. they both have been there for me so many times, and i went to visit them. sometimes, a chick who's stuck on this island REALLY needs to get off. i had an awesome weekend, and...well, it was just kick ass.


my grandmother IS home from the hospital, so i'm so psyched about that. she's doing well. thank you to everyone who was concerned.


and i've been told that i'm really not that much of a loser and i dont suck too much.



TNL/HFC Extravaganza is May 6 in Studio A. Everyone that come, must. It should be a good show. I was weary at first...and I feel like I am unable to be as involved this year as I have been the past two film fests we've had, but i'm so proud of hfc. we have accomplished soooooo much. i love them all. I DO!!


i wish i had more to say. mais, je suis hyper-stresse. donc, je ne peux pas parler. again, i hope you speak french!



so, thats it for me. stress, stress,....o, did i mention STRESS??


lata skata

kkkkeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

so i have a lot to talk about but i'm going to focus on one thing: how much i suck.



we had elections last night for HFC, and I was running for vice president. i was nervous, only because i knew how qualified the person i was running against was. I had written this whole wonderful speech, and then someone toldme i shouldnt be that worrie abou it, and just say whatever came naturally when i got up there. That sounded like a good idea, and i followed the advce. only problem is, i'v been really worried about my grandmother and a lot of shit happened yesterday. so without a defined speech, i got in front of my friends and totally bombed. i dont blame anyone for not voting for me or thinking less of me because of what happened. kieran will be an awesome vp, and i know that he knows that if anything gets to be too much to handle, he will be able to count on me to do anything he needs. Everyone in HFC knows that. I'm definately throwing myself into more activities next year...


So nothing that i wanted to happen this semester, things i worked so hard for, happened. it was like, anything that i wanted so bad and put so much energy into, didnt turn out the way i wanted it to. when we were brainstorming for the 48 hour, we had this idea to show two people; one who didn't work at all and got everything, and one that worked and worked and worked and didn't get anything out of it. thats what i feel like right now, like that person who works so hard and sets goals for herself and no matter what she does, she can't attain them. i wanted to be an ra; i'm on the waiting list. i wanted to live with my friends; that just didnt happen...either time. i wanted this, that didnt happen (and i dont blame anyone for that because with the weak ass presentation i gave last night, i wouldnt have voted for me either.) there's other things too...i just feel like i try and try and try...and i just keep running into a wall. does that mean i shouldnt try anymore? does that mean i should just give up? i wasnt raised like that. that isnt me. but all this big stuff hasnt ever happened to me at once and i dont understand. does someone out there hate me? cause right now, i hate myself.




J'ai le mal du pays. Je voudrais ma mere. Ses mots sont très confortable à moi. Elle me manque beaucoup tous les jours. Et ma ville me manque aussi. Je regrete pour mes larmes. Je ne voudrais pas pleurer plus. Ma vie est très décevoir et pour ça, je regrete aussi. J'éspere que tu connais français ou tu es hors de la chance. C'est tout....


~ker~

so once again i've been sucking at blog life. my original intent was to write when i came back the beginning of the week. but shit happens....

lets discuss break first.

road trip with rachel = lots of singing, talking, and having a BLAST! (lol) "he's a STALKER!"(regarding the fact that when we pullled into the parking lot, my bf was talking to her mother, and they hadn't ever met before...)

montreal with mung and the boys = fun, fun, fun. i saw too many naked girls that weekend, but i had the best hotel room i could imagine and a wonderful birthday!! thanks guys ;)

syracuse = admittedly, i LOVED syracuse. i had the most amazing time there and the campus is beautiful. i loved everything i heard, saw, eat, all the people i met.....don't worry i'm not going....i....{sigh}...

the rest of break = relaxing and calm, for the most part. i had a lot to do and i got it all done.


when i got back, at first i was relaxed, i played ninetendo for like, a day, but on tuesday i found out my grandmother had had a heart attack. being the closest one to where they live (about 45 minutes from here), i drove up tuesday night and stayed until late thrusday. she's going to be ok, but has to stay in the hospital until the beginning of next week. i am so overwhelmed and exhausted now. i just want school to be over. i am so unmotivated here. i mean, i want to get good grades but hofstra frustarates me so!!!
thank goodness for all of my amazing friends here.......





well, phone calls, ims and the such would be appreciated. i think i'm running away for the weekend. to drown my sorrows somewhere else....i can't do this anymore....i just want to run away....




ker

i love you mung. you are my rock, thank goodness i have you

btw - she still haunts my dreams. what does that mean?

doesn't anybody want me??










i really need to get out of here....






can i do it?

i dont know what to say about life right now. for some reason, looking back, i can remember things that i though were big problems at the time. at the time, i mean, they were. i almost laugh now. because as we grow up, the problems of our past seem so simple and childish. but there are so many problmes i know i will have in the future. so many things of the present that who knows if they are permanent or not. i have so many decisions to face, and every one will effect the rest of my life. what does that mean? i mean, really. like problems and people of my past...where did they go? why arent they problems anymore? why are things so connected? why arent signs clearer to understand....i've had a bad week and a good one at the same time. i have good friends. i do. home and here. i miss my vegas girls. drunken surfing w/ penguins!!



with that thought


i'm outtie.

ker

so today is going to suck...when you start out a day crying...you know its not gonna be good....

so its been, like, a fucking long time since i've written. but i've been stressed out, and haven't even realized it. i'm fuckin drinkin a beer right now cause i need some sort of VICE and RELEASE. i have a research paper due tomorrow that i barely understand dispite constant meetings with one of the professors. i have a midterm tuesday which i have barely started studying for. i find out tomorrow if i get the RA position that is really important to me. i have my fucking P. my cell phone broke in half on wednesday, so i had to miss the highlight of my hofstra weeks; film club (YAY HFC). (although, dispite that and the emergency, wednesday turned out ok because everything ended up fine and i got a fuckin awesome phone "nice phone FREAK" lol...yes i have that fucking awesome kyocera slider phone, yup, i do.) friday i got to see the most AMAZING FUCKING FILM OF MY LIFETIME (sometimes the word fucking means more with the "g" dont you think???) i havent had sex or even fucking SEEN my boyfriend in 3 weeks, so i cant wait til friday!! my 20th birthday is in 13 days (april 4th...same as RUSSO's WOO HOO) and i'm going to montreal with the rut boys, who are the sole purpose of my LIFE. so that freaks me out a bit...i've been a teenager for 6 years now, and i get use to it, and i'll never be this age again. did i do everything right? do i regret anything? my heart was broken, i loved and lost, i lied and hated liars, i was hurt, betrayed, i hurt, betrayed, i have made the best friends i could ever imagine having, and i lost some that were too good to be true. people died, my life changed....so much happens in the 6 years you are a teenager....does 20 mean that i have to grow up? what does 20 mean? is it going to be different than 19? the past year treated me well, i grew up...i know so much more and have felt so much more in the past year...i saw more than i ever knew i would see...and it scares the fuck out of me. one of the best friends i ever had is getting MARRIED in may. she is a week older than me...MARRIED. can you believe it? i miss the days when we played house and if there was a guy there, he could be the husband (ewww, gross!!) and if not, you would fight with your friends over who got to be the mother. and now its real? now we make the decisions we have to live with for the rest of our lives? is it giving up? growing up? loving? or finding what is right? i'm not ready to be on my own. i'm not ready, i'm too afraid. i think this is why i've never fully adapted to college life, as much as i want too. i'm afraid....


and that just made me cry. lol. and laugh. i've never been unwilling to be older. o goodness, is this where we start lying about our age?? LOL.



on april 4th. i will wake up. hung over. in another country. in the arms of my stupendus boyfriend. whom i love. and want to forever. you better call and wish me a happy fucking birthday!!!

lol. sorry for all the FUCKING (lol) but it seemed appropriate today. i need another beer...or a clove...damn.



peace




out





,



yo





.




-ker-

why does she haunt my dreams? i had a dream that we were driving like we used to do around our lil city, we passed where we found our friendly little cone, drove out to our spot, and screamed as loud as our lungs would allow us...just to get rid of the stress. i need one of those rides, and i could take the same ride with a million people, but it wouldnt be like it was with you. you know who you are, actually, i bet everyone knows who you are. i'm so upset, because i know that things could never be the same, even if you wanted to be friends again. i saw your step-mom this weekend. she told me about you, how you're doing....and i miss you like crazy. no one will ever replace the friendship we had....i hope you are doing well...i hope life is good to you...i hope he is good to you...i hope you are good to him....i love you both and miss you....just want you to know that i think of you....



i hope you think of me too....


i have days where things happen that only you would understand, because you were there originally....but you're goine now....i'm losing my memory of you......i don't want to leave this world without ever having you back in my life again....maybe i'm being overdramatic, but i can't believe that you weren't hurt at all when you wrote me that letter almost a year ago...i don't know you anymore and i dont think i ever will....but i'll always be here if you need me...i wish i could say the same for you............




s'il vous plait retourner de moi.....je tu besoin....touts les jours de ma vie....

pet peeve: ** when boys (even just ones that are supposedly your friends) who say they will call don't, or say that they care and don't show it....if you don't want to call me, then don't tell me you will. if you don't want to hang out with me, don't ask me to meet you in the middle of the night. if you don't want to be my friend, after all the bullshit you've put me through....then don't try and pretend that you are. its time to cut the bullshit and grow up and just frickin realize i'm not a child anymore. and i just want to be your friend. so either grow a set and deal, or walk away and don't look back...**








A MAN IS A = boy whom happened to find a woman to take care of him. [NOT his mother.] .....this is something i just came up with...i would say after being awake for 24 hours, thats not bad ;)


and...i'm outtttttt......

<~>ker<~>

thats it.






i quit.

since i'm missing my doomie, i decided to have a post devoted to my one true french love: DUMAS. (this isn't a convo, this is dumas GEMS from convos her and i have had and messages she has left me. cuz i love her. this can be her FAN page!)


doomie242: how you doin my slute?
~
doomie242: ...that would be so yay
mainyrhtak: so yay
mainyrhtak: only you woud say so yay
mainyrhtak: lol dumie i love you
doomie242: hehe yea i know my gramma aint too well
doomie242: i love you also, i need to see you during break
~
doomie242: yay! whatever floats your boat or finds your lost remote
~
doomie242: yes byebye slute I love you too! hang it there katye bear
~
doomie242: hey slute
mainyrhtak: hey pet what up
~
mainyrhtak: yah its pouring here
doomie242: ewwww, doesnt it stink
~
doomie242: see you know what my prob is
doomie242: i need to get my period really bad
doomie242: i am pms'd as much as i possibly could be
mainyrhtak: need?
mainyrhtak: lol
~
doomie242: like right now the roomate needs to die
doomie242: shes like THANKS for inviting me to dinner, I'm wanna say maybe i dint want you to go BIATCH
mainyrhtak: LOL
doomie242: yesss
doomie242: i just made her put on headphones, shall i blast the music LOUDER
doomie242: wowww im being a bitch
mainyrhtak: doomie i love
mainyrhtak: YOU
~
doomie242: pleasant dreams
doomie242: SLUTE
~
doomie242: byebye roBARE NAKEd
doomie242: love yas
mainyrhtak: lol
mainyrhtak: u 2
doomie242: haha barenaked i love it
doomie242: im lookiin it up in french
mainyrhtak: lol
~
doomie242: wow you are so so hot
~
doomie242: slute
**this was a message left by itself when i was away about, o, let's say 100 times!**
~
mainyrhtak: The Rut won't know what hit it when Yackie and Dumas are reunited!!! :-)
mainyrhtak: is it gonna blow up??
doomie242: yup if i have a big enough pet it will
mainyrhtak: LOL
~
doomie242: thats right, theres enough of me to go around for everyone
~
doomie242: duh
doomie242: come on now
doomie242: you've been smokin too much
~
doomie242: firme la bouch
mainyrhtak: fermez la bouche!
doomie242: yea that too
~
doomie242: then i was like wait a tick...
~
doomie242: why the f are you takin french 4
**only dumas would refrain from using profanity in an im...so she can save it all up and use it all when she is WITH you!**
~
doomie242: im tired
doomie242: im cranky
doomie242: and im sick of guys
~
mainyrhtak: not always a good thing laura
doomie242: ok whats this horrible name u callin me
mainyrhtak: lol
~
doomie242: slute love
doomie242: you know how that goes down 8-)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I love you dumas. and maybe not everyone who reads this will think these GEMS are funny, because they are totally taken out of context, and maybe they wont understand our version of french, but i love you doomie. miss you. can't wait to see you!! and remember, babe, "everything everything will be alright - everything everything will be just fine."

-ker-

in the words of caitlin reid: "in blogworld I've been kind of sucking at life, and there's quite a bit to catch up on." but, dispite all the wonderful, confusing, frustarating, annoying, joyful, crazy, amazing events of the past week/last few days...i've decided to just post a poem i wrote almost a year ago at one of my favorite gettaways and one of the most inspiring places i have ever been.


Insomnia

Pressure
Like a shaken warm soda builds up inside.
I can't manifest myself in the form that you wearn for me to bne.
I am not a chameleon,
Changing at your command.
The words don't filter down for me at 3 am
While the rain beats down
As they do for you,
On you
You made me feel as vulnerable
Naive
Loved


{The way you make me feel}


The bed is warm with your slumber
Sleep lurks above my insomnia
Like a carrot dangled in front of a horse
Always just
Out of

{Reach}

The ticking of the clock drives me insane
And you,
With your body weight heavy on the mattress
As its springs cry out beneath you --


Pressure
Screeching as a kettle ready for tea
I wish I could scream so the sandman knew I was ready
Ready for that peace
The relief that is my nostrils flaring with snores in the night.

The bed is comfy
- Hard,
Like you
My pillow sends icy chills up my
Spine
And down the covers
You say

That's the way a pillow SHOULD be.



My mind wanders away from my control
Off into a land that is
- You
Off into the hills and valleys of your

- Soft body
Pining for soemthing more than is already there
Attempting to
- Discover
As Columbus
Attempting to
- Boldly go where no woman has gone before
Venturing out into this new land
This
New man
This man that is mine
. . . Mine
. . . Mind
- My mind is adjusted back and I've been dreaming

Damn

You haunt me in the way that it makes me feel good
Real good

Good enough to eat you
And lick my lips
And then - lick yours

Member that tiume
When I kissed you
That, first time
When we were alone
And you quivered
And . . . I smiled
You shook
with happiness
As a little boy with his new
-Bat
And I am the catcher across the field
Ball in hand ready for some
- Play


I can't escape you
But, I don't wait to
All I want to do is sleep

And then I am awakened by
Morning
Sunshine waskes the grime of night off my gentle body,.
The sweet aroma of breakfast engulfs
My once flaring nostrils . . .


You appear



I smile


My nights are always restless with this

In
-Som-
Nia

But the sight of you
First thing in the morning
Makes me feel well rested
Alive - awake
You arms sweep down and surround me
Trapping me in a place I'm happy to be

Hold on tight
Sweet one
The nights are long
The days are short
But our love will outlast
My
In-Som-Nia






And thats all folks.



-ker-

its funny the turns that life takes. i thought i had made progress and then it has to go and throw pie in my face.



and thats my life!

tune in next week to see what happens next!


I find myself wondering during the day
Are things going to work out it is so hard to say
My best I will try thats all I can do
Maybe leaving this place or staying in school
When the time comes I will know what is right
But for now there is darkness w/ a faint distant light-DUMAS

You are so talented Doomie [u slute] i love u.



i feel like i have so much to say but no words with which to say it. my heart wants to sing but everytime i think it has the chance, it gets crushed. maybe it likes to get plowed over like that....and you know what else i dont understand? why in the fucking worldit has any effect on me at all. i don't understand how the way u are acting can making me so flippin mad. why can u do this to me? why do u do this to me? i hate it









and sometimes you....



ker


i love you mung. i always you. i never want to lose u. whole bunches ;)

thank you 825!




it's lyrics time...

When this began/I had nothing to say/And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me/I was confused/And I let it all out to find/That I'm/Not the only person with these things in mind/
Inside of me/But all the vacancy the words revealed/Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel/Nothing to lose/Just stuck/Hollow and alone/And the fault is my own/And the fault is my own//I want to heal/I want to feel/What I thought was never real/I want to let go of the pain/I've held so long/[Erase all the pain 'til it's gone]/It's gone]/I want to heal/I want to feel/Like I'm close to something real/I want to find something I've wanted all along/Somewhere I Belong//And I've got nothing to say/I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face/I was confused/Looking everywhere/Only to fin that it's/Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind/
So what am I/What do I have but negativity/'Cause I can't justify the/Way everyone is looking at me/Nothing to lose/Nothing to gain/Hollow and alone/And the fault is my own/The fault is my own//I will never know/Myself until I do this on my own/And I will never feel/Anything else until /my wounds are healed/I will never be/Anything 'til I break away from me/And I will break away/I'll find myself today//I want to heal/I want to feel like I'm/Somewhere I belong

~somewhere i belong~linkin park~


Chill out whatcha yelling' for?/Lay back it's all been done before/And if you could only let it be/you will see/I like you the way you are/When we're drivin' in your car/and you're talking to me one on one but you've become . . .//Why you have to go and make things so complicated?/I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated/Life's like this you/And you fall and you crawl and you break/and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty/
and promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it/no no no

~complicated~avril~



And no one knows how to say/That they're sorry/An' don't worry/I'm not telling lies


She said, "I've got to be honest, you're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here"/And I said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not foolin' this feelin' is real"/She said, "You've gotta be crazy! What do you take me for? Some kind of easy mark?"//"No, you've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion/But I swear that you've got me all wrong"/I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'm be cavalier, I'll be your's my dear/I'll belong to you if you just let me through//This is easy as lovers go, so don't complicate it by hesitating/This is wonderful as loving goes/This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting?//I said, "I've got to be honest, I've been waiting for you all my
life"/For so long I thought I was asylum bound/But just seeing you makes me think twice/
And being with you here makes me sane/I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side//"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion/But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

~dashboard confessional~as lovers go~



yessssssss... and thats all she wrote....


-ker-
[munchkin]

i hate not being able to dance.




it makes me sick not dancing.








yup.

::it's 3 am, i must be lonely::

it is three am, and yes, no one is here, but i had a good day. i mean, i didn't wake up until 12, didn't get out of bed until 4:30 [ yes pm! ] and then kin's presence and seeing her dressed made me want to get out of my pjs, so i changed and we ventured to the grocery store [what a wonderful word, "VENTURED"]. then, we made dinner! how lovely. then rachel and i had our very own "quality time" to tell stories, watch silly girlie movies, and just hang out and chat [i did fall asleep a lil during a vander-bar movie...]. so i had a good day.


i miss the stars. looking up at the night sky, the bitter night sky, it just is so sad to see it dim like that. i saw one star at 3 am. one. it must be so lonely up there all by itself. i know i would be. i wonder if stars get paranoid, as humans do, wondering if they will be the only one left, the only one who cares. we do all care, don't we? even if we don't always show it. we are aware of ourselves and are prospective to others emotions, even if we can't always express that [men are horrible with this concept; i mean, straight men, anyway]. well, not all straight men are horrible with this, and not all gay men are good at it. and i'm not concluding that women can always sense what another human is feeling, we just sometimes understand that you don't need to start at the thought, but the emotion, and you will be able to feel out the next steps.
i'm sorry if i suddenly became deep, but thats me. i like letting my mind ramble on a single thought and writing it down [true artists; word association] it's like how when you dance and you can close your eyes when listening to the music and just hear the steps and how they piece together so perfectly. and all you want to do is be able to shine like that and live up to each one of those steps expectations. you dancers know. maybe i sometimes feel like i'm stcuk in that tight close up box where you can only see my eyes, but its not the entire episode, so i know that eventually the camera pulls back to where we can all be comfortable again....please don't cry, please...

i'm happy. i'm content. i'm in love. and i am very thankful to all of my friends. even a do-nothing day like today was amazing because of some friendly faces and my true love's voice.


it's like the book you can't put down. the second act, the next quarter, you just can't wait to see what happens next :)



::pontiluf's leg healed, and he was able to walk again, so he went off to find a new adverture. i didn't miss him::

all these about a single star . . .


.::ker::.

i am never going to sleep tonight.

not that the efforts of my day shall be unfufilling. not that the things i did or said or accomplished should be overlooked; because they are full of importance. not that the people i hugged or drove home or ate breakfast with or talked on the phone to weren't worth the time i spent with them. or the six and a half hours i spent trying very hard to make everyone know me . . . hopefully that was worth something.

but i've been up now for 21 hours and i really want to go to bed. i love you all [u know who you are, the above mentioned]

thanks for making this be my home.

thanks for being my comfort zone

thanks for letting me know its ok to be afraid.


its ok to let people know me. and let people back in. you dont know that i learned that from you today. but thanks anyway. even though you don't know it, i still appreciate it.

4 yrs is so much longer than 2 . . .



and a special tribute to bryan and the red group, for all the help they gave me today:


Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel
My heart's in over drive and you're behind the steering wheel
Touching you, touching me, touching you cause you're touching me
I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we can make it now
We'll be lookin till the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
Ooooooh (huh!)

I wanna kiss you every minute every hour everyday
You got me in a spin but everything is a ok

Touching you, touching me
Touching you cause you're touching me
I believe in a thing called love, just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we can make it now
We'll be lookin till the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
ooooooh (it's on)

and if i never hear that lovely, endearing song again, it will be all
too
soon

~ker~

ps - i fell more in love with you mjm. i love you every more each day. i don't know how you do it, but my insides are alway on the floor when you are around. i<3 u.

-girlie-

upon reading other peoples blogs, i yearn to be more articulate but saying less. if that even makes sense. like can i do it?

organization
confrontation
love
hate
work
papers
typing
noses
cigarettes
war
cameras
tv
arguments
sloppiness
cars



o the life of a college student, lacking money and sensibility.


have you ever noticed how many i's are in responsibilities? theres four, thats right, four. think about that. . .



i really don't know what to do with myself.




yelp -- help me



"Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming beautiful exterior.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes and perfect posture
But you're barely scraping by, but you're barely scraping by.

Well this is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all, or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness.
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes and perfect makeup
But you're barely scraping by, but you're barely scraping by.

Well this is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all, or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.

That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all, or anyone at all.
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
Is the place that you have come to fear the most.
Is the place that you have come to fear the most."







all that can be said is: oy vey.

oy





vey.


~ker~

i sometimes wish i was me . . .