I shouldn't be saying this, i shouldn't be thinking it...but i'm worried about raey. she's up there, living with her bf (who, by the way, had her block me on her screenname, but, did not block me from his own screenname...does he want to talk to me? i don't understand.) clark told me he talked to her the other day...she lied and said she wanted to grow away from high school and home friends....but why would u send your best friend an email telling her your boyfriend thinks it best for you not to be friends anymore until you break up with your boyfriend and don't talk to any of the people who have actually been there for you? i don't understand this brain washing...of course clark would understand that, because, except for the privilage few, he does not talk to people from home anymore...he has more valid reasons than she does however.....i just think a person should be able to make her own decisions, choose her own friends, and live her own life...i do understand the need for love, the want for love, being IN love....i understand that, i have that. i am in love. but i don't understand the...what is the word i'm looking for....the, void that brain washing or decision making for another person, acting if that person is incapabale of making decisions on their own fills...

i think this topic can not be discussed rightfully on her. i miss rachel. i miss the rachel that i was best friends with sophomore year. that i sat with in bio in front of marty and matt...i miss the rachel that i wrote notes to, that we started a notebook that we would write back and forth to each other. the rachel who i was able to tell everything to, the rachel that told me things no one else knows (voices, dad....etc) the rachel i could tell things to (jake, clark, sex), the rachel that i did so much with, that helped me experience life....it's like she passed away, barried in the back yard with stefy...lol...playgrounds ;)

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dancing.
we are gonna figure this thing out.
diet = good. -5 lbs.
getting better every day.
gym = tonight.
everything = moving in the right direction.....

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what is the answer to the question? what is the question that i am seeking an answer to?





i love u mjm.

-kaytee-